BORN IN HEELS

Another awesome giveaway from Oh So Posh Photography!

2011-11-29T11:25:00.000-08:00

As a aspiring photographer myself I am always looking at other photography pages, websites, and blogs! I am amazed at how great these photographers are and hope to be as good as them one day! One of those amazing photographers is having a AMAZING giveaway on her Bohemian Symphony Collection! Go check it out!

Here is the link to her blog with instructions on how to win!
http://www.ohsoposhphotography.com/blog/

Amazing giveway!

2011-11-22T14:41:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been entering in these amazing giveaways for a chance to score some amazing, awesome, fantastic ( I could go on and on)

Here is one of them!

http://freshouttatheoven.blogspot.com/2011/11/november-giving-thanks-giveaway-week-3.html

Hollie Brooks Photography

2011-08-11T03:41:00.000-07:00

I've always loved taking pictures..finally last year I was able to get myself a kick ass camera and start taking amazing pictures. Now I believe anyone can take a good picture...however you have to have a eye for photography to take an amazing picture.

I believe I have that eye.

I have made a facebook page to start promoting my work.

Here it is..

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hollie-Brooks-Photography/206456846072528

Rest in pieces

2011-08-11T03:18:00.001-07:00

September

2011-06-30T02:47:00.000-07:00

"It's complicated to tell someone how you feel today, especially if you think that your disclosure might be a catalyst that triggers unpleasant memories. Nevertheless, you may not be able to settle down until you share what's in your heart with a trusted friend. Be careful; revealing your inner process might elicit a strong flow of tough emotions, but the lessons you could learn will make your journey worthwhile."

That was my horoscope the other day.

It gave me chills..literally gave me chills.

Talking about what happened last Sept is always hard for me. It brings back good memories which makes me miss him even more but then it also brings back the pain..which in turns brings back the tears.

Yes we have all had our heart broken. So why is my pain any different then anyone else's pain?

It's not. But at the same time it is.

Everyone processes and deals with pain differently. While some are able to forgive and move on, others are not.

I'm kinda stuck in the middle. Have I forgiven him?

Almost...

I think he could of handled the situation a little better but breaking up with someone is never easy. I know I haven't always handled that area of my life with grace.

Have I forgotten?

Absolutely not. I don't know if I ever will. I think he will always have a piece of my heart.( Even though he doesn't deserve it.)

And September will always be bittersweet.

People Who Live In Glass Houses Should Not Throw Stones

2011-05-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

(I stole this from someone's Facebook and added my own little ending)

"YOU DON'T LOOK SICK!!!"

'No, I don't.'

It's hard to explain to someone when they have no clue.

It's a daily struggle feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside.

PLEASE....

Don't Judge...

Until you, yourself have walked a day in my shoes and fully understand what I go through on a daily basis.

I'm a bitch..what's your super power?

2011-05-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first to admit it..I AM A BITCH.

HEAR...ME...ROAR...

It's not completly my fault though, you see I come from a long line of bitches (sorry mom). However before I say another word, I'd like to point out that all the women in my family are strong independent women. I love them all but you piss us off and it's on like donkey Kong! For real. My grandmother is the ultimate beeotch...amazing she is but damn that woman scares me.

Most of the time I can keep my bitchy self in check but there are times when the bitch just comes out and everyone in my path better what out. I don't forgive ~~easily~~ at all. ( Something that I am *trying* to work on), I hold grudges and I hate people. Mostly happy people.

Am I proud of this, um no. Now don't get me wrong, I am proud of my Independence. I am very strong willed and I will never apologize for that. But I wish I could be less bitchy. OK a lot less bitchy. I want to be that girl that wakes up in a good mood and takes on the world with a smile. But that's just not me. Many doctors have tried to shove a pill down my throat that would make me a happy go lucky person. Most have failed miserably.

Because of my bitch ways I've lost some friends along the way. And I do not make friends easily ( unless they have a penis) so one would think that I should hold on to the ones I do did have.

I think I may need a come to Jesus meeting..or therapy.

Why it matters to them...

2011-04-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

Two years ago on April 8th, I stumbled across a blog about a family who's worst nightmare came true. Their beautiful 17 month old daughter had unexpectedly passed away the day before. For two years now I've followed this family through good times and bad times..through tears and through smiles. They are amazing. Their strength is amazing. The way they honor their daughter is amazing. I love them and I've never even met them.

Today I am honored to share a post from this family regarding something that is very dear to their hearts. Please go to this web address which is their personal blog and watch the video.

http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/the-famous-madeline/why-it-matters/

Dear John

2011-04-06T23:24:00.000-07:00

Long were the nights

When the days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps,
Prayin’ the floor won’t fall through, again
My friends accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky and go back
And turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules every day
Wonderin which version of you
I might get on the phone, tonight,
Well I stopped pickin’ up
And this song is to let you know why

Dear John,
I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I shoulda known.

Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Maybe its you and your sick need
To give love then take it away
And you’ll add my name
To your long list of traitors
Who don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret
How I ignored when they said
Run as fast as you can

You are an expert at sorry

And keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you've run dry
Have tired, lifeless eyes
Cause you burned them out
But I took your matches before fire could catch me
So don't look now
I'm shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

Dear John....

*Song by Taylor Swift*

Born In Heels

2011-03-28T00:19:00.000-07:00

This says it all...

A Photograph...

2011-03-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

A photograph is memory in the raw. ~Carrie Latet

Spring

2011-03-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

My favorite boy in the world

2011-03-14T21:53:00.000-07:00

My favorite girl the the world

2011-03-11T22:20:00.000-08:00

Miss sassy pants

All about shoes!

2011-03-08T17:19:00.000-08:00

Those who have read this blog and those who know me, know I LOVE SHOES..especially high heels..(I mean look at the name of this blog)

A few months ago..maybe a little longer...I heard about Kim Kardashian's shoe club. I thought to myself that would be sweet. A girl can never have enough shoes

A few weeks ago I decided I needed some new ~~shoes~~..heels..so I logged onto Kim's shoe club site and filled out the information and bam..I had about 6 pair of shoes to choose from hand picked out..just for me by "shoe experts" I was sooo excited...until I saw the selection I had to choose from. They were down..right..fugly! I was very disappointed. So I did what any girl would do, I moved on to the next shoe club I had heard of.

Shoefab.com is the sickest shoe site like ever! They have the hottest shoes I have ever seen. I was like a fat kid unsupervised in a candy store when I was looking at their shoes. So of course I ordered my first pair which happened to be these bad boys:

It was love at first sight for sure. I got them today and these babies are so beautiful. (You have to be a true shoe lover to appreciate their beauty.)

I didn't think it could get any better than this but boy was I wrong bc I just ordered my 2nd pair. It's OK..go ahead and drool...

Believe it or not, I had a hard time choosing between these and the pair below..

(I still might give in and buy these)

Hello my name is Hollie, and I have a shoe problem.

Just A Little Bit Stronger

2010-10-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

Woke up late today, and I

still feel the sting of the pain,
but I brush my teeth anyway;
got dressed through the mess
and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Ridin' in the car to work, and I'm
tryin' to ignore the hurt,
so I turned on the radio --
stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for a minute,
but then I changed it.
I'm gettin' a little bit stronger;
just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hopin'
that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels,
spinnin' my wheels, and
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And oh; and I'm done thinkin'
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen overnight, but you
turn around and a month's gone by,
and you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not givin' you an hour or a second
or another minute longer.
I'm busy gettin' stronger.

And I'm done hopin'
that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels,
spinnin' my wheels, and
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And oh; and I'm done thinkin'
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.

I'm gettin' on without you baby.
Better off without you baby.
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm gettin' stronger without you baby.
And I'm done hopin'
that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels,
spinnin' my wheels, and
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And oh; and I'm done thinkin'
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.
Get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
A little bit; a little bit;
a little bit stronger.

Get a little bit stronger....

Song by Sara Evans

The Feather

2010-07-07T19:11:00.000-07:00

A feather from an Angel,

Is one we rarely see.

But this one is quite different,

And as special as can be.

This feather is a reminder,

Of a special person's love....

Who is now your Guardian Angel,

Watching & protecting from above.

~unknown auther

Tales from the potty chair...

2010-07-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

I have never been so excited about poop as I am today. In a past blog post I talked about the lack of pooping and peeing in the toilet. And since that post I haven't gotten anywhere with Addisyn on potty training. She just hasn't been interested and I know not to push it on her bc that will only make things worse.

However I am getting more and more frustrated bc I don't like changing diapers. She's 3, I shouldn't be changing diapers. So this morning I decided I would not put a diaper on Addisyn after I changed her night diaper. She threw a fit, at big fit...she wanted her diaper on. I stood firm and told her NO! Big girls do not wear diapers. I got out some of her big girl panties and she wore them for about an hour. I kept asking her if she needed to go potty and she kept telling me no. She tricked me a few times and said she needed to go and even pulled her panties down, sat on her toilet..but nothing....no pee..no poop.

Now it was time to pull out the bribery. I got out some candy....I know I know....I'm a bad mom but hey whatever works right!

Another hour passed and Addi whined that she wanted some candy, and i told her that as soon as she went potty she could have some candy. She wasn't buying it.

Then something awesome happened...without me even having to ask if she had to go potty, Addi sat down on her potty chair and went pee!!! I was so excited I wanted to cry! I praised her and praised her...gave her a big hug....we high fived...then I cleaned her up and we put her pee in the big toilet and I let her flush it. She thought that was sooo cool.

Then we celebrated with some candy. Life is good....

About an hour later, Addi went poop on her potty chair..again we high fived...I told her what a big girl she was and we flushed her poop and she got more candy.

I think that we are finally getting somewhere.

Because of you...

2010-06-19T22:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a month, a month to the day actually. I haven't really felt like writing these days. It's not that I don't have anything to say, because oh I so do. So much that in fact I wasn't sure what I wanted to share with the blogging world.

I've been dating again and it's been interesting but that is a whole different post entirely. However, I have come to the conclusion that until I put some old ghosts behind me, and lock them up forever I will never be able to have a normal healthy relationship. I've tried to think of a way to explain it without hurting people in my life that mean the world to me, my mother in particular.

As I was sitting here thinking, wondering how and if I should even attempt to talk about this, I heard a song and it says it all for me..

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

And then you were 3

2010-05-19T01:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Addisyn,

Today is your third Birthday! How did time go by so fast? It seems like only yesterday I was holding this tiny little baby girl and now look at you.... little miss independant. Honey there are no words for how much you mean to me. I love you more and more with every second that passes. You amaze me each and every day with your sense of independance and your will to be your own little person. Baby girl you are growing up right before my eyes, I wish I could keep you little forever but we both know that can't happen. You may outgrow my lap but you will never outgrow my heart.

Addisyn Marie, you are the daughter I always wanted and I am proud to be your mommy

I love you to the moon and back, Happy Birthday!

This free slideshow design generated with Smilebox

Eleven down

2010-05-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

Today was my 3 week check up since going on these.

I've lost 11 pounds

Not bad for 3 weeks, eh?

I was fairly happy with the overall weight loss, however, what I was not happy about was my starting weight.

Holy hell batman!

Um, how the hell did I let myself get that heavy! Now I'm not going to disclose what my starting weight was or even what my weight is now. That is none ya business!

Yes it's that bad and yes I am ~~slightly~~ embarrassed.

I will tell you, that I ~~need~~ want to lose about 40 more pounds. Yes I said 40. Again I'm not going to tell you what my ideal weight is. Those are my little secrets that I will keep locked up. No one needs to know my numbers anyways.

All you need to know is that I am still fabulous, just 11 pounds lighter fabulous.

It's time to toss the fat clothes and break out the clothes that have been collecting dust in my closet.

I'll make sure to wash them first.

Homework Wars

2010-04-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

Last month I posted about Potty wars.

This month I have a new war on my hands.

Homework

Kameron has homework every single night. And every single night he fights me on doing it.

Excuse me while I pull out my hair.

I remember when I was a kid I hated homework, so I understand where he's coming from but now that I'm the mom, it's driving me crazy. He's a smart kid, but acts like he should be in special ed or something. He's having trouble in math ( he must have got his math skills from me, poor kid) and is getting extra help in the morning before school starts but even with that it doesn't seem to be working. He doesn't even want to try and that frustrates me to no end! I know he can do it but he plays dumb in order for someone else to do it for him. I am guilty of giving him some answers just because I know we are both frustrated.

He's really into video games and that seems to be his focal point. The moment we get home, he starts playing video games. That is now not an option now bc I've taken the video games away. I know, I know I'm a mean mom. I am sick of trying to play nice with him, it's time for some tough love.

He may not understand why I'm being hard on him now, but I know he will thank me later.

New Twilight Blog

2010-04-26T23:47:00.000-07:00

Looking back over the past year, I've noticed that I talk a lot about Twilight, Edward Cullen, and everything in between.

To save all of you that could give a rats ass about the subjects mentioned above, I have started my own "Twilight Blog"

It will be my own little space where I can be a Twi-nerd and still have this blog to document my life as the fabulous single mama who was born to wear heels.

So here's the web link to my new Twilight Blog. It's still a work in progress, so please be gentle.

http://twilightmomconfessions.blogspot.com/

Photo Shop Fun

2010-04-24T20:03:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when you leave me alone with Photo Shop.....

I turn into a Cullen...now where's Edward

I didn't have to watch Oprah after all

2010-04-23T13:32:00.000-07:00

Now only on special occasions will I write 2 blog posts in one day.

This is a very special occasion

Here is the FINAL Eclipse trailer...a VERY special thank you to Nikki @ Dancing in the Rain for sending me this link!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y11FBV7DU94&feature=player_embedded

Today I so love Oprah

2010-04-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

I normally don't watch Oprah. I don't have anything agaisnt her. I actually think she's hilarious and she has some pretty awesome stuff on her show. However, I work during the day so I am not home when her show is on and normally I don't care if I miss it or not.

BUT...BUT....

Today, I am so bummed I am missing her show. Why, do you ask? Well because of this.....

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b176969_eclipse_trailer_heads_oprah.html

Now I'd watch the freakin Teletubbies if they told me the Eclipse Trailer was going to air. I really don't care, but today it just so happens it's Oprah.

And today I so am lovin Oprah.
.

I'm kinda jealous of all you stay at home moms right now!

Tired

2010-04-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

I'm tired

Physically, mentally, and emotionaly

I'm tired of being the strong one.

I'm tired of puting a smile on my face when all I want to do is cry.

I'm tired of hanging in there...I just don't have it in me anymore.

I've gotten to the point where nothing in my life makes sense anymore. I question everything.

How did I get here?

Sadly I know the answer to that one.

Where do I go from here? I just don't know.

I just don't know.

I'll take two tickets to go please, with a side of Edward Cullen

2010-04-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

Now it's no secret that I am a Twilight Fan.

So when I saw this today on Facebook, I was like HELL YEAH!

Now I've signed up for something very similar right before New Moon came out.

I didn't win, obviously.

I probably wont win this time, but there is that ~~small~~ very small chance that I may win.

So I'm going to take that chance and run with it.

My doctor prescribed me crack!

2010-04-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

The ugly truth is I am a little over weight.

I'm not obese. Not even close. However, all my clothes that fit a year ago, even 6 months ago, don't fit now.

My already battered self esteem is suffering.

It's time to do something and like fast!

I've tried over the counter diet pills. They are expensive, and you have to take them 2 -4 times a day. I am a horrible pill taker. So I am now the proud owner of about 6 different types of diet pills. And all of the bottles are half full.

I've tried working out. Now my idea of working out is sitting on the couch with some belt looking contraption that does the crunches for me. Something like this

More than likely this thing really doesn't work though. So I'm not even going to waste my money.

I own tons of workout vids. Sexy workouts, dancing workouts, yoga, pilates.

You name it, I probably have it. These can be fun and I am really excited when I first buy them. But after the first day, I usually don't touch them again.

They have a layer of dust on them now.

Yeah, I lack motivation.

Now most of you are probably saying, "why don't you just go for a walk or join a gym"

Yah sounds easy enough right.

Wrong!

Well....I don't have the energy to get my ass up off the couch to walk, let alone try to excersise. I work full time and am a single mom..so when I get off work, and go pick up the kiddos, the last thing I want to do is workout.

And joining a gym is ~~kinda~~ expensive. I have other reasons why I don't like gyms. Read here.

So where does that leave me now? Well....a few days ago I went back to my doctor bc my ear was still bothering me. I mentioned a diet pill that my cousin told me about. So I was like "hey doc, can you hook meeee up"

I seriously expected him to say no, that I wasn't fat enough. And being the prepared person that I am, I alredy had my speech all ready to go, teling him WHY I NEEDED THEM! I wold beg if I had too. Desperate times equal desperate measures.

And I was desperate! But instead he said "OK, what pharmacy do you use".

I was thinking wow that was really, really easy! Then he dropped the bomb.

"I need to get your weight" Um, what? I don't fucking think so. I haven't stepped on a scale in well over a year and I didn't plan on doing so now. But in order to get the pills, that was part of the deal. No weight check, no pills. Ok whatever. So I stepped on that scale, looked the other direction, and walked out with the office with a prescription for crack!.

Yesterday I took my first pill. Both my doctor and the pharmacist, told me that I may be a little edgy, kinda like I drank a whole pot of coffee. This didn't alarm me bc some of the over the counter pills I've taken have also done that to me. So when I popped that little miracle pill in my mouth, I already knew I probably would be a little wired.

Well holy hell batman! It was like someone shot caffine straight into my veins. I had no clue what it feels like to be on crack..until today. I felt like running through the office with a cape on.

I wanted to talk to people about whatever, I didn't care, I just wanted to talk. So-not-like-me. I had this warm tingling feeling, kinda like the one ya get when your getting your drink on and are starting to feel real good.

I had energy, I wasn't dragging ass or hungry throughout the day, and i was in a pretty good mood.

I'm hopeing these pills help. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of spending my weekends laying on the couch while life just passes me by.

I'm tired of being ~~a little~~ on the chubby side.

I want to take pictures with my kids and not worry about my double chin.

I don't want to wear gigantic panites that hold the flab in anymore. Yes you heard me right. I have these gigantic panties that are suppose to make me look "slimmer"

If you've ever seen Bridget Jones Diary, you know what kind of panties I am talking about.

But most of all I want my life back..

XoXoXo~

Our Journey with Ptosis

2010-04-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

When Addisyn was born she wouldn't open her right eye. My midwife didn't think much of it, she even called it a 'pirate eye". She said some babies are born like that and will open their "pirate" eye within a day or so.

Addisyn however did not.

We were seeing the ped a few times a week due to feeding/weight issues, so I asked about her eye. Again her pediatician wasn't really worried and said we would check on it the following week.

By this time Addi was opening her eye a little but not all the way. So needless to say when we went back to the ped, she was not too excited about the progress of Addi's eye. She suggested it was time we go see an eye doctor. So that's what we did.

Addisyn was diagnoised with Congenital Ptosis. Congential meaning she was born with it.

I had never heard of it. I had to google it to find out more. (Thank god for google) I mean, yes the eye doctor did explain to me in detail what we were dealing with, but it was in doctor language and he might as well been speaking to me in greek. He suggested that Addi been seen yearly to monitor her vision, just to make sure she can properly see out of the eye. With some Ptosis cases the eyelid will droop over the pupil causing problems with the visison. The child would then have to wear an eye patch, glasses, or worse, they can lose the vision out of that eye altogether. We did not want that to happen with Addi. Now when she's older (like 7 years old) she can have surgery to correct the eyelid. Until then there's nothing more he or I could do but have her vision checked every year.

So far Addisyn's vision has been A-OK ( We just saw her eye doc last month) but I've noticed that her eyelid is getting more droopy. Her pediatrican even noticed it and said something to me the last time Addisyn was seen (again last month). So I suggested maybe getting a second opinion. Her peditrician agreed with me and directed me to this place. They specialize in cases just like Addi's, and I will feel better having her seen by a pediatric optometrist.

When you look at Addi it's not something you notice all the time. Over the last year her eye seemed to be getting better. I only really noticed it more when she was tired. But these days the Ptosis is very obvious, so I'm anxious to see the docs at Casey Eye Insitute.

Here are some pictures ( her eye always looks worse in pictures then in person)

1 month old

2 months old

5 months old

6 months old

And as you can see her eye is getting better

14 months old

And very tired as her eye is more droopy than normal

Almost 2 years old and so adorable

2 1/2 years old

Most recent pic, almost 3 years old

(The girl has personality!)

I'm still waiting for Casey Eye Institute to call me to schedual Addisyn an appt. The type of insurance that Addi has, we need a referral. I thought this was done over a month ago but apparently someone dropped the ball at the peds office. I called on Friday to check on it and it had never been done.

Fabulous.

Gotta love doctors.

I will keep everyone updated on her progress

Justin who

2010-04-10T05:41:00.000-07:00

Last month I really started getting into Twitter. I created the account last year but never really used it. Now if someone asked me if I "Twittered", I could tell them yes and they would think I was soooo cool. Plus it was something I could add to my blog that, back then no one read. Hell I don't know if anyone reads it now.

So anywho, last month I noticed that someone named Justin Bieber was the trending topic. Now for those of you that don't know or don't use Twitter, Twitter has trending topics as of the hour, day, and week. See below

(this isn't an actual screen where Justin is the trending topic, it's just an example)

And Justin Bieber has been the hot thing for WEEKS ( he still is, occasionally getting bumped off by some other event like oh say Easter, or a natural disaster like oh say Haiti, or sometimes even another person, like my boyfriend Robert Pattinson) but only for a few hours, then he's back to being the number one thing)

I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to know who he was. So I googled him. And apparently I have been living under a rock, because this dude is the next best thing since sliced bread. No joke.

For those of you also living under a rock, this is him....

Now if I was like 12, I so would of known who he was. However I am a little older than that so I was clueless.

Sooooo....who is he?

I'm gonna give you the run down on him, Hollie Style.

* He's a 16 year old singer, who looks like a punk ( the whole peace sign/ hat to the side he sports in almost every picture says PUNK) I don't think he's gone through the "Man Change" yet, bc he has this high pitched, squeeky voice thing goin on. When I first heard him singing I thought he was Miley Cyrus. Seriously

*His hair?

Some say it's pretty.

Some say it's cool.

To me, he has what I like to call "the hot combover".

Nifty, I bet Donald Trump is sooo jealous that Justin can get away with it and he can not.

* His videos?

They all have the same plot.

Him falling in love with some girl who looks older than him, is taller than him, and kinda uglier than him. Now you would think someone who is a hot dude like Justin, could get some hot chicks in his videos. Nope.

*His song Lyrics?

This is something that makes me giggle like a school girl. They are all about falling in love and or loving some girl, like, forever.

hmm..ok, because Justin know's all about love at the young age of 15 ( that's when he became a singing sensation)

Here are a snipet of his lyrics..please try to control your laughter. It's rude.

"Your world is my world

And my fight is your fight

My breath is your breath

And your heart

And girl you're my one love, my one heart

My one life for sure

Let me tell you one time

(Girl, I love, girl I love you)

I'ma tell you one time

(Girl, I love, girl I love you)"

Really Justin?

You're like 12 16. You don't know what love is.

You're famous now, so you can change girlies like you change your batman themed underoos. So why don't you sing about being a playa or playing video games.

Isn't that what 16 year old boys do with their free time?

The latest news with Justin?

Because I know you all are dying to know...

He now thinks he's Willy Wonka and is giving away some huge prize to the lucky finder of his golden ticket ( That kinda sounds dirty,Justin). How do you find the golden ticket?

You have to buy his new album of course. Like duh.

How clever Justin. Where did ya come up with that one.

End note:

So reguardless of my opinion of Justin Bieber, it's a fact that he is smoking hot right now. The dude is on fire, like he now needs a bodyguard on fire. He's just out sold his first album ( yes he's released not one but two albums), he's already made more money in the last couple months than I will make in a lifetime.

Sad I know.

And bc of all the things I said about Justin in this post, I will now probably be getting loads of hate mail from 12 year old girls.

Ohhh goody, finally some blog comments!

***I DO NOT own any of the pictures***

Dear Maddie

2010-04-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

This day last year I didn't know who you were

I stumbled apon your story via another blog I read and I remember my heart breaking for a family I never met.

Your smile captavated me..and your eyes..well they are the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

This day last year , Madeline, you changed my life.

I've been following your mommy and daddy throughout this year of pain and heartache, and though I have never met them, I feel like I know them.

And I hold them both close to my heart.

I cried when your mommy and daddy wrote post after post about you, missing you, remembering you, loving you.

I cried tears of joy when your little sister Annabel was born. She's so beautiful, just like you.

I laughed at videos of you dancing and singing.

I think about you every single day Miss Madeline. I have your picture on my desk at work and am honored to share your story with complete strangers.

Because of you Maddie, I hug my kids more, I cherrish my time with them more, I kiss them more.

Because of you little Maddie, I look at life a little differently these days. I embrace the small things and don't sweat the big things.

Because of you Maddie, I am a different person than I was a year ago

May you continue to rest in the arms of the angels little one.

Potty Wars

2010-04-06T19:51:00.000-07:00

It's war at my house.

War of the potty chair that is.

Addisyn who will be 3 next month should be potty trained by now, right? RIGHT?

I sure the hell think so because I so do not like changing diapers.

And if ya haven't noticed diapers ain't that cheap!

I bought Addi a potty chair about a year ago, right before she turned two. I thought I would let her play with it and then we would try to use it.

Yeah not so much.

She played with it, but as far as sitting on it, she wanted nothing to do it!

NOTHING!

It was like pulling teeth without pain meds to get her to sit on the thing. I mentioned the word "potty" and she would go running out of the room screaming.

People probably thought I was beating her.

Fast forward another year and we are no further with the whole potty training thing. She still wants NOTHING to do with it. I've tried making it fun ( well as fun as one can make going pee or poop)

I've tried reading books.

I've tried candy..lots of candy.

Still the girl wants nothing to do with it.

I don't know what to do.

I don't have time to sit with her all day and train her (hello I'm a single mom and I work full time)

I've asked her babysitter to help and well that's gotten her no where either.

I've thought about changing daycare providers BUT...good daycare is hard to find and her babysitter is really good with her, just not when it comes to potty training.

Obviously.

So how long does this war go on?

Easter

2010-04-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today isn't about The Easter Bunny

Today isn't about candy

Today isn't about coloring eggs or "hunting" eggs

Today isn't about what you got in your easter basket

Today is about Jesus

Today is about his sacrafice for us

Today he has risen!

Today I say thank you Jesus for all you've done

That is what today is all about

Stuck

2010-04-03T22:26:00.000-07:00

I've kinda been in a writing rut.

I get a few lines written and then I am stuck. I don't know how to continue.

I've started a post about going back in time, doing things over. How many of us wouldn't mind doing that eh'?

I've started a post about Easter and how I am not in the mood this year. The image below says so much.

(this is how I feel)

I've started a post about some singer that was a trending topic on Twitter. I had to google him in order to find out who the hell he was. I had no clue.

And tonight I started a post about my almost 3 year old telling me to shut up.

Good times people good times.

I plan on finishing these posts

Just not tonight.

On that note I hope everyone has a Happy Easter!

Who Knew

2010-03-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

About 3 weeks ago I started the process of changing my last name.

I never knew how much work it was to change one's name...until now.

Who knew....

how exhausting it could be, not only physically but emotionally.

The load of paperwork that has to be filled out.

The dozen of trips to the courthouse that have to be taken.

Parking meters that have to be fed. (Good bye spare change)

Documents that have to be notarized.

All your t's that have to be crossed, all your i's that have to be dotted.

Then you go before a judge and he or she will ask you your reasons for the name change.

(My reason; a divorce)

If all goes well, you will walk out of the courtroom with a signed legal document saying you are no longer the same person you were when you walked in.

Awesome

6 years ago ( Holy crap, 6 YEARS AGO), I remember having a different document signed by a judge, saying it was legal for me to sign the name I was now so anxious to get rid of. It seems like only yesterday....

My wedding day.

I was so proud to stand beside him and sign my new name for the first time

However these last few years, signing that name is a constant reminder of what was, what could have been, and what will never be. It's like someone pouring salt in an open wound everytime I sign my name, everytime I say it outloud.

It hurts....

Alot.

I'm almost to the end of this road. I'm almost to the point where I will again stand before a judge and ask him to sign a new document.

I will no longer have his last name.

This will be bittersweet

Part of me will feel nothing but relief. To know that it's finally over. Really over. I will have no connections to him anymore.

None

Maybe then I will be able to breathe again.

Another part of me will be a little heartbroken. It will really be over.

I will be letting go the only part of him I have left.

Oh my god

Who knew this would hurt so much

However...

This is something that needs to be done.

Has to be done, actually.

There is no he and I.

There hasn't been for a very, very long time.

There will never be again.

"If someone said three years from now

You'd be long gone

I'd stand up and punch them out

Cause they're all wrong

I know better

Cause you said forever

And ever

Who knew"

(Lyrics from "who knew" by pink)

Excuse me while I wipe the drool off my chin

2010-03-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

This man is hot

Enough said

"Everything about me invites you in..my voice..my smell"

well duh, Robert in case you haven't noticed you are HOT, like OMFG hot!

Well except when you have a fu manchu beard, then I vomit in my mouth.

You, Robert, are MY OWN brand of heroin

So you think you're a Twilight fan....

2010-03-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

Now everyone knows I ~~like~~ love all things Twilight.

I've blogged about a certin vampire a few times now. And everyone know's who's team I'm on. If you don't know, then you have obviously been living under a rock....

or you don't read my blog.

However, there is a part of me that is a little embarrassed to admit I am a Twilight fan or a Twihard as some call em. I'm almost 29 years old. I have kids. I should not be lusting after a 23 year old who is actually playing a 17 year old dead vampire. But wait, since he's dead that makes him like 109....so it's not wrong... right?

But I am not alone.

I am not the only almost 30 year old woman having fantasies about him...

Oh no I am not.

Today I watched this....

This is the story of the real Forks, WA.

A little logging town that was thrown into the middle of this craziness we all call Twilight.

A town that is thriving because of Twilight.

Thank you Stephaine Myer!

Most of them (as in them I mean the residents of Forks), love all the attention and are eating it up.

Some, however, hate the attention.

Whatever.

If you go to Forks these days, there isn't a thing that doesn't have Twilight written all over it.

There are tours that will take you to all things Twilght.

Some have even dedicated their own home to be the 'Home of the Swans"

See the sign..that makes it so official right.

And then there is the Bed and Breakfast that happens to be the oldest house in Forks therefore it was dedicated to be the "Cullen House"

This is the real house that was used

They look so similiar, don't you think?

People dress up as members of the Cullen clan and you can get your picture taken with them.

Ohhh fun!

These people mean business.

Twilight Business that is.

And.....

I've come to the conclusion that I am not an insane Twilight fan like I thought..oh no my friends there are worse out there.

WAY WORSE

Like the 46 year old man..(yes I said MAN), that dyes his hair to look like Dr.Cullen. And yes he admitted that ON TV!

hmm..am I the only one that finds that to be a little weird?

Or the Twihards that come and actually believe that there are vampires and warewolves looming in the woods, ready to pounce on them at any given moment.

OHHH scary....

Now don't get me wrong I think it's totally cool to have an imagination, and to use it. I can't even count how many times I've slipped into some dream where I am Bella and am making out with Edward..I mean hello, what girl doesn't imagine that like every * single * day!

But really there are people that have moved to Forks becuase of the books. There are girls that have changed their looks bc they want to look more like Alice Cullen or even Bella Swan.

This chick (image below) said people tell her all the time how much she looks like Bella...

Hmmmm...

I mean, yes, she has dark hair and yes, she has dark eyes, like Bella but so do I and about a billion other girls.

Maybe we can all join the "I look like Bella Swan club"

She could be like the president of it.

Anyway....

She wasn't too thrilled about all the Twilight attention.

Her lack of um enthusiasm was written all over her face.

And get this....

She doesn't believe in Vampires either.

I know, I know....what the hell is wrong with her.

I was so thinking that too.

Really.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to visit Forks, WA.

Because I do want to visit.

I plan on visiting.

Soon.

I want to get my own pictures of cool road signs and mailboxes

I want to go visit "Bella's Truck"

I want to go to La Push and carve "Team Edward" in the big log tree that's washed up on the beach.

(Hopefully Jacob wont mind.)

I want to go to bella italia in Port Angeles and order the mushroom ravioli.

I want to get my picture taken with every cheesy Twilight thing I can find

I want to be that insane Twihard for a weekend

and.....

I am so bringing one of these home on the back of my car....

****I DO NOT own any of these pictures***

DID YOU HEAR ME...I DO NOT OWN THESE PICTURES

I borrowed them.

Thanks!

A pain in the ear

2010-03-26T22:02:00.000-07:00

I have a earache

A BAD earache.

I went to the doc last week who put me on some meds and gave me some ear drops. Before that I was eating ibprofin like they were candy. My stomache however does not appreciate that anymore.

And my ear still hurts.

BAD..so bad that it wakes me up in the middle of the night.

The meds the doc gave me are not working ( obviously) and the drops, well they feel like someone spit in my ear. Or gave me a wet willy.

It's gross.

REALLY GROSS!

And they don't work either. My ear actually hurts WORSE after I put them in.

WTF

I'm googling home remedies and well I'm fresh out of banana trees and garlic cloves. Used the garlic on Edward (Cullen) last week. He was getting on my nerves.

Come on, who has this crap laying around their house? Surely not me! If you find salt and pepper at my house then you've scored big.

I guess I will stick to chewing pills and luggie drops.

Finding the photographer in me

2010-03-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to kick ass at this picture taking thing

What can I say..I like taking pictures of random crap...the only thing missing is a good mullet pic

Which Team are you on?

2010-03-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking Addisyn is Team Edward...

Or maybe she's Team Bella ( Gag)

Or maybe Team Jacob (w/the bad wig)

Or Team Charlie...

Or Team Jacob (w/out the bad wig)

We all know what Team I'm on...

(Notice hot bruise on my arm and the toliet paper)

But I'm thinking that Addi is so Team Edward....

A daughter after her mother's heart

Always Remember me

2010-03-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

*Spolier Alert* Do not read if you haven't seen this movie!

I can't even begin to describe how good this movie is. I almost started crying 10 min into it so I knew it was going to be a tear jerker. And it was.

It had funny moments, serious moments, sexy moments, and a lot of Robert Pattinson moments.

It also had a very shocking ending. No one expected it. No one saw it coming. Everyone but me that is.

I knew it was coming bc I read a review last week that did not have a "spolier alert" and it gave the ending away. But even knowing , it still was a complete shock.

Once we saw the date.

September 11, 2001

We all knew...

As Tyler Hawkins stares out one of the windows, we see where he's at. We see the twin towers...

we see everyone's face staring up in horror after the plane hits( we do not see the plane hitting the towers)

We see the debris falling,

we see the tears begin to fall..and we all know what happend.

Tyler dies. Just as his life was starting to make sense. Just as he was learning to love someone. Just as he was begining to understand his father and his father was begining to understand him.

Life is about living in the moments and embracing those moments.

This movie is a perfect example of that.

Unblocked

2010-03-18T18:59:00.000-07:00

Today I made my blog public again.....

Meaning that anyone and their grandma can read the things I write....

THIS IS SCARY!

I blocked it about 4 months ago and only gave the password to a handful of people.

People I trusted would not judge me. But.....

I want more readers. And in order for me to get more readers, I have to unblock..unprotected my blog. YIKES!

Hopefully people will be respectful and not leave rude comments. I will have control over what comments actually get posted to my blog so if someone does decided to leave something hateful or inappropriate then i can just hit the "ignore" button. Such a wonderful thing, that ignore button.

So here's to letting the world in on my journey down life's highway (in high heels of course)

Layla Grace's Hope Collage

2010-03-17T22:08:00.000-07:00

Last week I came across this website. These collages are done for little ones that have passed away. I immediately thought of Layla Grace.

I thought what a beautiful way to remember her!

To honor her memory.

I emailed the gal that creates the collages and asked if she would do one for Layla. She agreed in a heartbeat. She was familiar with Layla's story and was even able to attend Layla's Celebration of Life.

I just recieved Layla's Hope Collage tonight and was so excited to forward it to her family! It was beautifuly done. Here it is...

http://www.hopecollage.org/

You're on my heart just like a tattoo...

2010-03-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

Before my mother passed away, we had talked about both of us getting a tattoo for my 21st birthday. It would be my first one and I wanted my mother to be there. It was going to be a mother-daughter bonding experience.

We never made it.

Her cancer came back and she got really sick, really fast. She died 2 weeks before my 21st birthday.

It took me a little while but I knew I would get that tattoo.

I now have this on my lower back...

This means strength in chinese. It matches my mothers tattoo she had on her back..which was the chinese symbol for courage.

Everyone knew how courageous she was.

How stong she was.

She passed on her strength to me.

She taught me how to be strong.

Now they say when you get one tattoo, you will want more. This is so true! I have been wanting another one for a while now, but have been conflicted on what I want and where it would go.

I've narrowed down on the where I want it (my wrist), now I need to decided on what.

I was thinking this....

Robert Pattinsons signature.

Ok so I'm kidding (sorta)

I got this in the mail...(It's a lick em and stick em)

I wanted to see how it would look. No bad eh'?

I don't think I would get "Edward Bite Me" on my wrist. Actually I know I wouldn't. I love the guy but not enough to get his fictional name forever branded on me. I would however get Rob's signature. How cool would that be. It would show what a true fan I am, or maybe it would just show how delusional I am. Hmm...

Choices, Choices

So I had a bad day...

2010-03-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

Today has not been one of my better days. Not even close.

I'm cranky, tired, and as of two days ago Aunt Flo came to visit. I seriously hate that bitch with a passion.

I also have some sort of ear infection thing going on that I've been trying to mask with ibuprofen. I've been eating them like they were Hersey's Kisses or something. Last night it woke me up out of a dead sleep so obviously it's not working. I have an apt tomorrow. Hopefully the doc gives me something good for the pain until the antibiotics kick in. Would it be too much to ask for some oxycotton? I think not.

Today I don't want to be a parent, which makes me feel so very guilty considering what I wrote in my last post. Parent Fail #1

Addisyn has been going through her terrible 2's phase and everyday is a challenge with her. She loves the word no, and say's it any chance she gets. Especially when I tell her to do something or if it's time for bed. She's becoming very whiney and I don't do whiney. At all.

Also, I have to be very careful what I say around her now. She repeats EVERYTHING, and I mean everything. I say booger....she says booger. I say terd..she says terd. I say Kameron stop it, she says Kamerons stop it. I say shit, she says shit. Get the picture? But my choice of profanity hasn't been the "S' word as of late. So yes my two year old has been going around dropping the F bomb. Priceless. I should be crowned mother of the year. Parent Fail #2

This brings me to my older child....

Kameron has decided that he wants to change his name to Colton bc that name is so much cooler than Kameron. Yeah whatever kid. I told him once he turns 18 and leaves the house( and yes I told him he is moving out when he turns 18) he can change his name to Fat Albert for all I care, but until then he's going to deal with Kameron, like it or not. He's also walking around with this pre teen attitude that makes me wanna slap him silly. The teenage years will be fun with him. He also has been going out of his way to piss off his sister, which in turn pisses me off.

Everything is a big deal with him and in big deal, I mean he thows a fit. If I tell him to brush his teeth or change his underwear ( bc it's been days since he's done either) it's the freakin end of the world. He doesn't care that there is green fuzz growing on his teeth and his breath smells like road kill or that his underwear are stuck to his crusty butthole but I, however, do care. I have to be seen with this kid in public. Hello!

Good times people, good times...

On a lighter note, I love my kids with all that I am. I really do. I hardly ever complain about them but today I am feeling very overwhelmed and very unappreciated.

I know, I know, I can hear the violin playing too.

This too shall pass and tomorrow is another day.

Now where is the vodka.....

Lucky one

2010-03-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

Layla Grace lost her battle with cancer on March 9, 2010.

Little Cora died in her mother's arms at just 5 days old of a disease that her mother had never heard of.

Thalon died of SIDS.

And of course there is Madeline who passed away last April.

No parent should have to go through what these parents have. No parent should have to plan a funeral for their child...no parent.

My biggest fear is having to bury one of my children. While reading about all of these little angels, I try to put myself in their mother's and father's shoes and I can't even begin to try. I feel like I want to vomit. The idea of having to plan a funeral for one of my children makes me litterally sick to my stomache. I thank my lucky stars that both my kids are heathly as can be. I thank my lucky stars that I get to wake up every morning and hear them playing and laughing. I get to hear them say "I love you mama" These mom's don't get that chance anymore. My heart breaks for them.

Being a single mom makes parenting really hard. I've talked about this before. I'm tired, I'm cranky, and yes sometimes I jsut want a break. It's times like these that I think of Layla, Cora, Thalon, and Maddie. I think of how lucky I am that I have my two year old dumping all her crayons on the floor and how lucky I am that I have my son upstairs jumping on his bed, even though he's old enough to know better. I wouldn't trade these moment's for the world. I now treasure these little moments more than I used too becasue there are mom's that would give anything to have those moments back.

I never knew how lukcy I was, how lucky I am, until now.

It's finally here!

2010-03-11T07:38:00.000-08:00

The wait is finally over......

http://eclipsethemovie.com/

And OMG..I can not wait for this movie. Eclispe was the best book of the series by far. And though I LOVED Twilight(the movie), I LOVED New Moon even more, so I'm betting that Eclispe will be that much better.

Picture Perfect

2010-03-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

Last week I got me one of these!

I LOVE it!

I've been sick with the some god aweful cold/sinus thing that I haven't felt human enough to get off the couch let alone actually take pictures. Today however I managed to get off the couch and shower so I decided to shove the camera in my daughters face...for the most part she let me but I can already tell ya, that my kiddos are going to get sick of me taking their picture.

My son was at his grandmas tonight so he missed out on the camera fun but when he gets home he's next!

Here's some of what I took tonight...

I love taking pictures of her curls!

This crazy life

2010-03-04T20:45:00.000-08:00

March 4, 2010

Life has been crazy the past few weeks. I've moved (yet again), unpacked (most of my crap), taken Addi to the very cute eye doctor (no glasses for her! Yay!), missed Kameron's parent-teacher conference (yes I am a bad bad mother), and started the process of changing my last name. And on top of all that I am sicker than a dog. Work is slowly making me an insane bitch. All the crap I deal with is starting to give me a complex. I've come to the conclusion that 99% of my customers are morons and they are out to make my life a living hell.

Life is grand (laughing really hard)

End of story

Layla Grace

2010-02-23T22:09:00.000-08:00

I normally don't write more than one post per day but I felt the need to blog about this tonight. I have been bawling my eyes out reading about this angel who is battling cancer at the age of 2. I came across the blog about an hr ago and haven't been able to do anything but cry as I read the posts her mother has written.

My heart litteraly hurts. I feel like I want to throw up. This hits close to home for me as I have a two year old daughter myself and I've lost my mother to cancer.

I've prayed harder tonightr than I have in a very long time. The last time I prayed this hard was when my mother was battling cancer and I'm not a big prayer. Never have been. I know I don't do it as much as I should but tonight I feel like all I should be doing is praying. Praying for some sort of miracle for this little girl. I know God works miracles, they happen all the time. So I hope and pray he works his magic and heals little Layla very soon. The power of prayer is awesome and it works.

So I ask that you too keep Layla and her family in your prayers. You can follow her mother on Twitter and get updates on how she is doing. And also if you are on facebook, please become a fan of rufflebutts. For every person that becomes a fan they will donate $1 towards Layla's hospital bills. They have already raised $5000! So amazing!

http://twitter.com/LaylaGrace

http://www.facebook.com/RuffleButts

Why yes I am a single mom..you got a problem with that?

2010-02-23T15:56:00.000-08:00

Being a single mom to Kameron for almost 6 years, I knew if I ever had another baby I didn't want to do it alone again. I already knew how difficult and humilating it was going to all my doc apts when I was pregnant, alone. I already knew what it was like to wake up with a baby in the middle of the night, alone. I knew how finacially hard it was being on my own. I didn't want that for my second child. It wasn't fair. So when he who shall not be named ( bc it brings out the evil in me) and I were talking about having a baby, I told him my concerns and that I did NOT want to be a single mom with 2 kids. He assured me he would be in it for the long haul..if I only knew. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, we were both sooo happy. I still remember that day. I wasn't due to start my period for another few days but decided to take a prego test anyways. I peed on the stick and hadn't even pulled my pants up when I got the positive line on the test. When I found out I was pregnant with my son, it wasn't a happy moment. So this time around it was an amazing feeling knowing this pregnancy was wanted by both of us. Fast forward to when I was 10 weeks pregnant and he who shall not be named bailed on me. Said I was too emtionally unstable. Um, excuse me I'm pregnant you asshole! I was also going through a divorce so no I wasn't in the best frame of mind. Instead of sticking with me, he walked out on me. I will never forget the feeling, realizing I would be doing this alone, again. I was devastated. I was devestated for our child knowing she wouldn't have both parents in her life.

She's almost 3 now and has only seen him once. She most likely will never know who he is. I'm ok with that too. He doesn't deserve to be in her life when he walked out on her before she was even born. If she wants to know more about him when she's older, I won't keep it from her. I will be 100 % honest with her. And later on if she wants to meet him, I wont stop her. But I will leave that up to her and cross that bridge when the time comes. Kamerons dad has been in and out of his life but for the most part is making an effort. So I have to give him some credit, just some though.

That brings me to why I am blogging about this. Being a single mom has always been a hard thing to grasp for me. I never wanted it but yet here I am single with 2 kids. I know I am not the only one who is a doing this parenting thing on my own. But yet I feel like I am the only one. I feel like everywhere I go I have "HEY I'M A SINGLE MOM" tattooed on my forehead. I hated the looks I got when I was pregnant with both my son and daughter, knowing that people were judging me. And maybe they wern't even judging me. Maybe they were thinking how cute I looked pregnant or how huge I looked. But in my mind they were judging me. I hated going to school functions for my son and being the only one there that was a single parent. I felt horrible for my son. I almost feel ashamed that I am a single mom, when I should feel proud. I get jealous when I see a mom and dad. I feel like I've screwed up my kid's life bc I made a bad decision when picking their fathers. I shouldn't feel this way. But I do.

I'm working on this so called "ashamed feeling". I'm learning to go with the flow and accept that yes, I am a single mama and a damn good one at that. I'm not a perfect parent, I make mistakes, as does everyone. I'm learning to shrug off the looks that may or may not be judgemental. I'm learning to tell the people that do have an issue with me doing this on my own, that until they walk a day in my shoes, not to judge me. I'm learning to accept that being a single mom is not a bad thing, that I am not the only one.

I love my kids with all that I am, and that right there is the most important thing. Everything else is just small stuff.

Slipped Away

2010-02-22T00:04:00.000-08:00

When I think of my mom, I have so many emotions that run through me. I never know what direction to go when I blog about her. There are many songs that remind me of my mom but tonight I heard a song by Avril Lavigne and it said everything perfectly. It described how I feel..daily. I'm not going to go into detail and explain the song for you..instead here it is.....

Slipped Away by Avril Lavinge

I miss you

Miss you so bad

I don't forget you

Oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly.

The day you slipped away.....

Was the day i found

It, won't be the same

Oh

I didn't get around to kiss you

Goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again

I know that I can't ooooooooooooh

I hope you can hear me

Cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away...

Was the day i found

It won't be the same

I've had my wake up

Won't you wake up

I keep asking why.

And I can't take it

It wasn't fake

It happened, you passed by

Now you're gone

Now you're gone

There you go

There you go

Somewhere I can't bring you back

Now you're gone

Now you're gone

There you go

There you go

Somewhere you're not coming back

I miss you.

2 going on 22

2010-02-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

When I was pregnant with my son, I wanted a girl SOOO bad. When the ultrasound tech told me it was a boy, I admit I was dissapointed, but then the tech ran the wand over the baby's face and I saw my son, alien looking and all, I was in love. All that dissapointment went out the door. Having a son has been so great. He is such a mama's boy. He was such an easy baby too, so low maintenance. When he turned one, he got a little attitude but nothing major, we worked through it. (Nothing like what my daughter has now.) Now I'm dealing with a "pre" teen tude...yay me! That, my friend is a whole different post for another day.

I told myself that if I ever had another baby I wanted it to be a girl. I still wanted my girl. So when I found out I was pregnant with Addisyn, I just knew she would be a boy. It was my fate. I have 3 BROTHERS...I come from a family of BOYS..so I kinda just accepted that I would be a mom of boys. Much to my surprise when I had a 3D ultrasound done at 17 weeks, I was told I was having a girl. I just looked at the ultrasound tech with a WTF look. She must be joking..it's too early to tell right? NOPE, Hello technology! When the doc came in about 5 min later to take a looksey and he also said "It's a girl" I was beyond happy, I was like a fat kid in a candy store. I had many ultrasounds during my pregnancy and I always made sure they checked just in case she decided to grown a penis overnight but of course she hadn't. I was finally having my girl. I already picked out her name, I started imagining my life with a girl and all the girly things I would be able to do with her. Bring on the pink nail polish and shoes! And the pink..oh my god all the pink crap I had to have. It was insane.

Through out my pregnancy people asked if I knew what I was having..."um do you see all this pink crap in my hand..what the hell do you think I'm having" is what I really wanted to say but I would just smile and tell them I was having a girl. Most of the time I would get the "you're going to have so much fun with a girl" but every now and then I would get a look of pure pitty..then would come the "Good luck with that" Excuse me?!!! Boy if I only knew what they were talking about then, I might have asked the all might one to change the sex of the baby to a boy. Kidding, I love having my girl, she's downright awesome but holy crap!. The attitude alone is enough to make me wanna sell her on Ebay! Any takers?? Again I'M KIDDING...but people were right about boys being so much eaiser than girls. Boys are straight to the point, no bs. Girls are so sneaky and again with the attitude! One day I woke up and I had not a two year old but a twenty two year old! She is so bossy and wants things NOW! And if she doesn't get what she wants.... when she wants it..bring on the end of the world! and the meltdowns??? Why didn't anyone warn me about these things? Kameron hardly ever had one, let alone, many. I can't count how many Addisyn has during the day. People keep telling me it's the age and it only get's worse when she's 3 ( she will be 3 in May) NOOOOOOOO...... for the love of Jesus are you serious. If that's the case then Vokda will be my new best friend.

With all that said, I DO love my daughter ( and my son) very much. I couldn't imagine my life without her (or him) in it. Through all the fits, through all the bossiness, through all the attitude...she is amazing. When we have a rough day ( and we have many) and I don't think I can take much more, she comes running over, her curls bouncing and a big smile...crawls up on my lap and takes my face in her hands and plants a big wet kiss on me, that, right there my friends is why I thank god everyday he gave me this girl to love.

(Chips after a bath = bad idea)

Darkness

2010-02-11T23:03:00.000-08:00

There are some things that I wish I never had to experence again. Smells that bring a overflowing flood of memories, memories I don't want to remember. Or songs that tear open old wounds... Most of the time I stay away from them. If I'm in a department store I stay clear of the cologne section. For one it gives me a headache and two, I just might smell something that brings on the darkness.

There are times when I can't avoid them. I could be at work and a customer comes in and has the same cologne as he wears or I will hear our song on the radio..flash backs of happier times come rushing back and it knocks the breath right outta me. Or I will be in a store and a woman walks by and is wearing the same perfume as my mother use to wear or I will hear her name, or I see a mother and daughter together, making their own memories. I begin to think of all the things I got robbed of, things I never got to experience with my mom. Happier times that I can never get back or memories that will never come to be. A darkness takes over me and I go to a place of hatred towards God( I'm working on this one), a place of overwhelming sadness..a depressed place.

It's hard for me to bounce back after these episodes and most of the time I don't. When they happen, I lose a part of myself in the process and I worry I won't get that part of me back, that pretty soon I will be empty inside, hollow..with nothing left. I can't have that happen. I refuse to let that happen. It's so hard not to just give in..to just let the darkness consume me.

It's a daily battle...a battle I wish I didn't have to fight but I do fight every...single....day

I will continue to fight this darkness head on, bc I am my mothers daughter and we don't give up that easily. We take our battles and we fight, we fight until we have nothing left to fight for..we fight until the battle is over. And that is just what I intend to do.

Empty Spaces

2010-02-06T20:05:00.000-08:00

This is a topic I've been wanting to talk about for a while now. I've held off because I wasn't sure I was ready to have all my dirty laundry hung out there for everyone to read. Now that my blog is password protected and I've given only a handful of people the password, I now feel more comfortable talking about it..talking about my ex husband.

As Valentines day approches, the day of love, I start to feel more bitter than I normally do. I personally think Valentines day is a bunch of crap, thought up by some candy company. My reason for the bitterness isn't because I loathe love itself, it's because I'm not in love myself. I probably would look at Valentines Day a little different if I was in a relationship and truly in love. And I've been in enough relationships to know, love isn't easy, but it does last when you work hard for it. I've seen it. I can honestly say I've been in love once. The feeling I had when he was around was one I had never felt before. The all too familiar butterflies I had heard about actually happened..to me of all people. (Looking back, I so didn't deserve this feeling.) I wanted to shout how much I loved him from every roof I could, I didn't of course, because knowing my luck I would of fell off the ladder before I even got to the roof. I ended up marrying this person. One of the happiest days of my life. The other being the day I met him. We didn't click right away and this probably being because we were at a bar and I figured he was out for sex. It was hard not to give in to his smile, his beautiful smile. The smile that made me forget my name half the time. He asked for my number, I gave it to him, knowing he probably wouldn't remember my name the next day, let alone call. However he did call that night, but I never called him back, knowing this was for sure a dead end. I had just moved to Kansas, wanting to start my life over, leaving behind a whole lot of hurt. I wasn't ready to get all goofy over some boy, especailly some boy I met at a bar. He, however was a little more persistant that I gave him credit for. He did remember me and he wanted to see me again, sober this time. I freaked out, thinking what if he didn't find me attractive, sober...I know all about beer goggles..not that I am ugly but not every one thinks I am attractive and I worried he wouldn't. I ended up giving in and hanging out with him, we clicked instantly, an instant chemistry, an instant attraction happened between us, like two magnets. Like Edward and Bella (Twilight Fans know this kind of love) We didn't want to be away from each other. We spent every moment we could together, then laying on his bed one night we decided to make our love official (get your minds outta the gutter)..tie the knot. My fairytale wedding went out the door, I didn't care about my big fancy wedding I dreamed about having anymore, I knew we both couldn't afford it anyways, I just wanted to be his wife. And his wife I became. Fast forward almost two years and we we're standing before a judge, making our divorce final. Divorce. I never thought in a million years I would be married, let alone divorced. I always told myself, coming from a long line of divorced women, I would only do it once. I saw what divorce did to me, did to my brothers. What it did to my family. I never wanted that for myself, for my children. Thankfully, we never had children, we wanted them, well I think I wanted them more than he did. We tried, and tried, and tried, and succeeded once, only for me to miscarry @ 8 weeks. A time in my life I wish I could forget. Hurricane Katrina had just hit and I was bed riden trying to save this pregnancy, and the only thing on TV was the destruction the hurricane had caused. A time in my life I wish to never re-live. I probaly will never talk about it again after this. It re-opens a wound that will most likely never heal all the way. Obviusbly that pregnacy ended and so did a part of me. Things were never the same between he and I. I blamed him for a lot in our short lived marriage, I blamed him for the miscarriage. Though the doctors told me that the pregnancy never progressed further than a few weeks, my body fooled me into thinking I was pregant for 8 weeks. But again I blamed him. But in all reality, it was me, I had lost my job, so I wasn't in the best of moods, we didn't have alot of money to begin with but now with me not working, we were really struggling, I felt like he failed me, as a husband, I thought he coudn't provide for me like a husband should, so I left him. The biggest mistake I ever made. I should of stayed and fought for my marriage but instead I pointed fingers, picked fights and at the first opportunity I had, I bolted. I came back of course, only to leave two more times. I'm not saying he didn't do his share of bad things in our marriage but he never left, never wanted to leave. He came from a long line of men and women that stayed married, no matter what, so the divorce was especially hard on him. I belive he drank a lot after I left for the last time. Almost killing himself. I moved on, pretty quickly, still in Kansas at that time, met someone who fooled me into thinking he was the right one for me. We talked about our life, what it would be like after my divorce was final so we could be together, make our love offical. I obviously had no clue what I was doing at that moment. Blinded by false love. Then I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. At that moment life was good, I was happy, or so I thought. We had planned this baby, and it happened fast, faster than I think we both thought it would but we were happy. I told my soon to be ex husband and I'm sure it tore a hole in his heart. There was talk of us (my husband and I) getting back together, because after a few weeks of living with my daughters father, I knew he wasn't the one. I realized what a huge mistake I had made. I felt dirty, like a whore. I was ashamed of what I did and I knew everyone would be talking about it. The wife who wasn't divorced yet, pregnant with somone eles baby. And knowing I would be a single mother , again. What have I done?, is all I kept saying to myself.

The things above are hard for me to talk about, because I am still ashamed of what I did. I hurt someone I loved. I walked out of his life when he needed me the most. I committed the ultimate crime in marriage, I slept with another man, got pregnant with another man's baby, all while still married. I don't regret my daughter, not one bit. She has filled an empty space in my heart. I love her more than life itself. I do however regret, my actions leading up to her conception. I don't know how many times I've wished she was my ex husbands. I know he would be a great father to her, better than her biogical father would be anyday. I wish I was still his wife. I miss him every single day. I think about him every single day. The one that got away, or better yet the one I pushed away. I will never be able to forgive myself for what I have done, for what I did to him.

He moved on not long after our divorce was final. Which he deserved to do, I want nothing more than happiness for him. After what I did to him, its the least I can do but be happy that he is where he wants to be now, with who he wants to be with. I had my chance and I blew it, big time. I will live with this for the rest of my life.

I remember after leaving the court house, that aweful day, after the judge signed our divorce papers, looking into his eyes, the blue eyes I fell so hard for, the eyes that looked at me with such love, now looked back at me with hurt, hurt that I caused. He asked if he could take me to lunch that day, and I said no. There was no way I could sit across from him, carrying someone else baby, and not break down...not beg him to take me back. But I also knew there would be no way he could ever forgive me for what I had done. Our marriage was over. So I said my goodbyes, and that was the last time I ever saw him.

I hope to find someone to love like I loved/still love him, I have faith that I will. But unitl then, I have a huge hole in my heart where his love use to fill. An empty space where he use to be...

Total "Eclipse" of the heart

2010-02-03T19:47:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big reader. It's not that I can't read or don't like to read..it's just that I need some quiet alone time to be able to do so and that my friend in my house is rare!

I've been reading the 3rd book in the Twilight Series... Eclipse ( I'm almost done with it too!) and for the most part... so far, I love the book.

Some parts have made me giggle, example: when Jacobs wolf brother "imprints" with a two year old. ( Those of you that are not Twilight fans are probably going..WTF is imprinting.) I'm not going to go into detail but basically it's about finding your soulmate..warewolf style!

I then got to the part where Jacob and Bella are hanging out and, being the arrogant wolf that Jacob is, he kisses Bella, against her will of course, and she flips out.... punches him in the face and ends up breaking her hand. Now that part made me laugh because I can't stand Bella, I really just want to punch her in the face. But whatever.

I knew once Edward got wind of Jacob kissing his beloved Bella, the fight would be on. And I was right. Edward was furious.

Now why am I blogging about this, you might ask. Well because of WHAT Edward says to Jacob after that kiss.

**Verses from Eclipse by Stephaine Myer**

Edward spoke in a voice so peaceful and gentle that it made the words strangely more threatening. "I'm not going to kill you now, because it would upset Bella."

(Bella then says something here but who cares what she has to say...right, right)

Then he turned back to Jacob. "but if you ever bring her back damaged again-and I don't care whose fault it is; I don't care if she merely trips, or if a metor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head-if you return her to me in less than the perfect condition that I left her in, you will be running with three legs."

(Again Bella says something here..but ~~you~~..I don't care)

Edward contiuned as if he hadn't heard me." and if you ever kiss her again, I will break your jaw for her," he promised, his voice still gentle and velvet and deadly.

Insert more Bella talking here...blah blah blah...and a little of Jacob

"One more thing," Edward said slowly. "I'll be fighting for her, too. You should know that. I'm not taking anything for granted, and I'll be fighting twice as hard as you will."

"She is mine." Edward's low voice was suddenly dark,not as composed as before. " I didn't say I would fight fair."

After reading this I got goosbumps. I was like Whoa..that is the type of man I want.

Come on, besides being down right beautiful

Edward Cullen is every ~~girl~~ woman's dream man. Someone who will stick up for you, protect you, DIE for you. Edward would do all of the above for Bella. How many guys out there... (normal non-sparkley vampire guys that is) would actually do that for the one they love..... Not many.

As much as I hate Bella, her love for Edward is amazing. And I'm jealous of that. I don't know if I could love someone like Bella loves Edward. I want too, I really do but that mean letting down the walls that are around my heart and that is down right SCARY.
It makes me vulnerable, and I don't like that, don't like that AT ALL. It opens up the chance for my already bruised heart to be exposed and possibly broken. I'm not ready to take that chance, not yet.
But when I am ready, when my Edward comes into my life, I will know it's right, I will know he's the one because the walls around my heart will come crashing down..without force, and I can't wait for that day. I look forward to that day.

Face in a hole... dot com

2010-01-25T22:22:00.000-08:00

I found a whole new website that lets me live out my dreams...examples below...

I know I know...it LOOKS fake but still a girl can dream can't she! I mean it's hard to make it look real bc I have black hair and ~~ho bag~~ Kristen Stewart has brown hair..I have a way nicer rack than her.. but that is besides the point. This is the closest my mug will EVER be to him so I'm gonna enjoy it. You on the other hand can enjoy a good laugh. I know I did. :)

Hots for Harry

2010-01-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

For the past few months I have been under the suspicion that Addisyn has a huge crush on Harry Potter. Everytime one of his movies is on, she will sit through almost the entire thing! So today after coming back from the kitchen I saw this...

So it is official..she does have the hots for Harry Potter!

She got her potty chair pushed it over to the TV and climbed up on the TV stand and was kissing him..now that's determination..and true love.

Beard + Robert Pattinson = me vomiting in my mouth

2010-01-23T10:44:00.000-08:00

Last night was the Haiti Telethon to help raise money. I heard a rumor that my vampire boyfriend..aka Robert Pattinson was going to be on. And then I got a call from my dear friend Tina, and she confirmed that the rumors were true...so I watched the special on my laptop...then he came on..and I was so grossed out...I couldn't even focus on what he was saying. Why was I grossed out....well this is why....

He looks like a hobo..Enough said

***I do not own the above picture***

Holding on and letting go

2010-01-21T19:58:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was little, letting go has never been easy for me. Holding on to things, now that was super easy.

I remember when I was 5 opening a Christmas present and it being a doll that I really wanted..BAD..when the doll was taken out of the package and handed to me, her head fell completely off..I know I know..I'm laughing too just thinking about it. I was devistated. I cried and cried and I cried. I held on to that doll and wouldn't let go. My mom..took my little face in her hands and told me it would be ok. She tried to fix it but it was unfixable..so I let go..let it go straight from my hands to the garbage can. So not cool.

When I was 17, I had my first real relationship. And eventually would have my first real heart break. I held on for 5 long years...letting go was like finally being able to breathe..it was amazing.

However, When I was 21, I had to let go of my mother..in a physical sense that is. I remember getting the call that she had passed away, and even though I knew that day was coming, I was not ready to say goodbye. I remember going to her bedroom, being left alone with her so I could say my goodbyes. I kneeled down beside her hospital bed and took her hand in mine. I knew that if I let go, that would be the last time I ever got to touch her. I wasn't ready for that, so I held on..I held on tight.

I held her hand for what seemed like hours when finally someone came in and said it was time..time to let go... I told her that I woud always love her, kissed her forhead and I let go....

Gaga over Lady Gaga

2010-01-10T11:55:00.000-08:00

We all know who SHE is. How could you not.

I will admit, I like her music. Hell my 2 year old sing along to Pokerface!

I will also admit, this girl is hot.

If you take away the god awful clothes and the Marilyn Manson make up..she is actually a pretty girl...well....

if that's what she is..a girl. There have been rumors floating around Hollywood that she is a dude. Apparently during one of her concerts she sported a penis under her dress. Um..have ya seen what this "chick" wears? Have ya seen any of her videos? I am not at all surprised that she had a penis under her dress. Real or not.

Now Lady Gaga has addressed these so called rumors and she says she is totally sporting a Va Jay Jay! Allrighty then! Now I personally don't care if she has a penis or a vagina between her legs. I like her.

One thing I don't like however is obvioulsy her taste in fashion. But who cares what I think eh. ( It just gives me something to blog about)

She thinks it's Halloween 365 days a year. Halloween at her place must be a blast. Seriously woman. I just don't get it.

Another thing I don't get is her music videos...I have one word for them all..WOW..and not wow in a good meaningful sort of way. Wow in a "omfg..what the hell did I just watch" kind of way. I had the previlage of watching her newest video "Bad Romance" I had to watch it twice to make sure it was real and it wasn't the bottle of wine I drank the night before coming back to play tricks on me. Nope..it was real. Real..lly disturbing. I'm not quite sure what the point of it was. Here's the vid..let me know what you all think...I'm betting you will think similar to me..this woman is F'in crazy! But aside from the drunk Dr. Susse clothes, the penis she may or may not have, and her wacked out vids..I still like her

**I do not own any of these pictures**

Perfection

2010-01-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

When I think of perfection I think of him....

That Smile....

Those lips.....

That hair...

Pure perfection..no wonder he (Edward Cullen) doesn't exsist, because there is no such thing as perfection...

Today

2010-01-08T19:49:00.000-08:00

Today I hit rock bottom

Today I was ready to give up

Today I almost did give up

Today I realized things need to change and I was the one who has the power to change them

Today I am changing the way I live my life

Today I handed everything over to the lord...

Today I had no hope

Today I now see there is hope

Johnny and June

2010-01-05T20:52:00.000-08:00

Ohh there's something 'bout a man in black
Makes me wanna buy a cadillac
Throw the top back and roll down to Jackson Town

I wanna be there on the stage with you,
You and I can be the next rage two
Hear the crowd roar, make them want more
and kick the footlights out

I wanna a love like Johnny and June
Rings of fire burnin' with you
I wanna walk the line, walk the line
till the end of time
I wanna love, love you that much
cash it all in, give it all up
and when your gone, I wanna go too
Like Johnny and June

I wanna hold you baby right or wrong
build a world around a country song
Pray a sweet Prayer, follow you there
Down in history

I wanna a love like Johnny and June
Rings of fire burnin' with you
I wanna walk the line, walk the line
till the end of time
I wanna love, love you that much
cash it all in, give it all up
and when your gone, I wanna go too
Like Johnny and June
Like Johnny and June

More than life itself, no one else
This endless promise
They dont make love like that anymore
is that too much to be askin for

I wanna a love like Johnny and June
Rings of fire burnin' with you
I wanna walk the line, walk the line
till the end of time
I wanna love, love you that much
cash it all in, give it all up
and when your gone, I wanna go too
Like Johnny and June
Like Johnny and June

They'll be no tears to cry
Only memories of our lives
They'll remember, remember
a love like that

Dear Asshole

2010-01-03T21:42:00.000-08:00

1/3/2010

**Warning..Profanity is used in this post**

I am writing you on here because I know you will never see this. This way I don't have to deal with your harsh words and excuses of why you haven't been in my daughters life. And this way I can get all this off my chest and feel better.

1.) You and I both know that Addisyn is yours. Seriously. You're gonna pull the " Once it's proven she's mine" bullshit. Please fucker..we palnned her. I was around you and only you when she was concieved so for that comment you can go to hell.

2.) You will pay child support. I will see to that, even if it takes me years.

3.) You will get joint custody..over my dead body. You havn't been in Addisyn's life for almost 3 yrs now. You let a woman's jealousy cause you to stay away from Addisyn. You are no man. You may have a penis but you are no man. Bceause no man would let some woman tell him he couldn't see his only daughter.

4.) I don't care about you, your 18 year old wife, or your other 4 children. All I care about is MY daughter and her happiness. And I know what it's like to not have a father in my life. So if you being in Addisyns life makes her happy then so be it. I will cross that road when the time comes. But for now, you don't exsist.

5.) I don't give a shit what your family says about Addisyn not having any of your traits. First, you have FIVE children with THREE different mothers, therefore they are all not going to look similar. Second, Addisyn has your nose. The one trait I didn't want her to have but she ended up with. Remeber when I sent you the picture of her 4D ultrasound what you said?? No, well then let me refresh your memory..." She has my noes and your lips" And when I was visiting last June you said " Addi looks alot like my sister Mallory when Mallory was little" So again you and your family can go to hell. She may not look like you, and thank god for that, but she has your musical traits. Physical traists are not the only things children can inherit from a parent.

I'm not repsonding to your msg on Facebook because you don't deserve it. I will let the state of Oregon and the state of Kansas deal with you. Once the DNA test is done and you are put on Addisyn's birth certificate, you will have no more excuses and I can't wait for that day to come.

2009

2010-01-01T22:00:00.000-08:00

1/1/2010

Here is a look back at what 2009 brought to me....

Vegas!

We added a new family member to our craziness..Tay Tay

I saw how one little girl changed the lives of so many

My baby girl turned TWO!

I partied like it was 1999......

I said goodbye to a dead relationship

I had an awsome 28th Birthday with an amazing person

I learned what it was like to have my heartbroken again......

Vampires became the new pink..and one stole my heart..

My baby boy turned 9...I guess he's not a baby anymore *mom sobs*

I cooked my first turkey for Thanksgiving and it turned out fabulous!

I rang in the New Year with 4 outta my 5 favorite people......My best friend Joe, my daugher, my awsome dog Taylor and Edward Cullen...

So here is to 2009..the laughs..the tears..the stuggles, the triumphs...this year has taught me so much and I look forward to what 2010 has to offer!

A short Christmas story...with a side of the coast thrown in

2009-12-28T23:12:00.000-08:00

I spent my Christmas sick. I woke up at the butt crack of dawn so I could see the pure happiness on my kids faces when they saw what Santa brought them and when they opened their presents from me. I then spent the rest of the day sleeping on and off. Thank god for Joe, hand held electronics and My Little Ponies bc that was the only way I got any rest during the day.

The following day I was starting to get cabin fever...so a trip to the coast was in the works.. I loaded my car with my best friend Joe and my 2 year old ( Kameron was visiting his dad) who is about as fun in a car as a shot in the ass twice. Yeah it was pure, pure misery..even with the DVD player. ( Shrek is only entertaining for so long ya know)

When we got to the hotel which had an awsome view btw...

I was ready for a drink...a strong drink. I was still feeling kinda icky so I was not going to temp fate by adding alcohol to my already sick stomach and end up befriending the toliet all night..no I will leave that for New Years Eve.

Joe and I bundled up ourselves and my cranky cranky daughter and we headed for the beach. Now looking at the picture above you will notice that the beach is not that far. Down a few steps and my feet will be touching the sand...well let me show you the "few steps" we had to go down....

Yes those are the stairs and that's not even all of them! Going down was not that bad..going up however was a bitch..and yes that is my 2 yr old daughter a head of me climbing the stairs..but remember she's young..I'm old.

The next day Joe ( the best friend), myself, and cranky pants aka Addisyn went to the Oregon Coast Aquarium and Old Town Newport where I got some great pics...like

A big ass crab..wouldn't want to meet up with that thing in the dark

A boot..

A mask...

Addi and I also got to touch some weird stuff....

(Yeah I touched that)

I also got pics of some pretty cool boats..ok I got A LOT of pics of some pretty cool boats but I will spare you all and just show you a few of them...

I also managed to capture some pure cuteness and pure craziness for your viewing pleasure....

The cuteness

The craziness

And last but not least as word from our local sponsors. Classy eh?

Heels

2009-12-22T15:29:00.000-08:00

Most people blog about important things. Life changing things. Me on the other hand blog about sexy vampires and shoes. Granted I might throw in a serious blog here and there but mostly I try to be funny, not serious. Serious is depressing. So while others are blogging about world peace, death, or Shellie Ross; I will blog about this today:

I found these here!

I think I am in love!

Now those of you that have read my blog will know I have a thing for heels.I mean hello! The title of my blog is born in HEELS. So if you want serious blogs go somewhere else or stick around and I might surprise you with one!

Brittany Murphy

2009-12-20T20:37:00.000-08:00

May you rest with the angels Brittany.

They

2009-12-12T16:47:00.000-08:00

Who are "they"?

You hear saying like "They" say life goes on" or " They" say that distance makes the heart grow fonder" or my favorite " They" say that time heals all wounds"

Whoever "they" are obviously has never been in a situation where they would have to use one of those sayings. First:

Life does go on when something tragic or heartbreaking happens..what needs to follow that saying is life goes on but is forever changed. Forever changed...

Distance does not make the heart grow fonder...distance makes the heart worry, makes the heart hurt, makes the heart love someone else.

And last but not least...

Time DOES not heal all wounds. Time may help ease the hurt. May make it where it doesn't sting anymore. But the hurt is still there. And something..whether it be a song, a photo, a smell...will tear open that wound..expose the hurt like never before. So time does not heal all wounds.

It's been 7 years since my mother passed away from an aweful aweful disease..and let me tell "them" something...I'm not healed. Never will be.

Deadbeat

2009-12-05T14:06:00.000-08:00

I don't like talking about this subject..it makes me angry..very angry. But I thought that maybe if I get it out and off my chest that I will feel better.

My ex fiance' who is also Addisyn's father and his 18 yr old wife ( he's 34) are having another baby.They have a son who's 7 mo old. This is will be kid 5 for him. He has two boys that he does not see from his first marriage and as far as I know he does not pay child support for them. Then he has Addisyn who he has only seen once and does not pay child support for. I'm working with the State of Oregon child support divison and he will pay eventually but it's taking awhile because of all the paperwork and whatnot that has to be done first.

I guess this makes me angry because Addisyn was planned. We talked about starting a family and when it happened we were both very happy. When I was 10 wks pregnant with Addi things started going south and we ended up splitting up and I moved back to Oregon ( I was in Kansas) He said he would be a part of her life no matter what..he lied. He not only walked away from me but he also walked away from his daughter, the daughter he always wanted. Since seeing her that one time when she was one years old, he hasn't had anything to do with her. I'm more upset at what this will do to Addisyn later on in life than him not paying child support. I grew up without my dad so I know what it will be like for her. This breaks my heart. How do I tell her, her father didn't want her ? How do I answer the questions I know she will have when she's older? I will have to be the one to wipe the tears away, not him. I will have to be the one that looks her in the eyes and tells her that I don't know why her father isn't a part of her life.

She has 4 siblings out there she will most likely never know.

I know that it is his loss but Addisyn will not understand that until she is well in her teens if not older.

How can he choose to be in 2 of his childrens lives but not the others? I just don't understand this. And I probably never will.

Selfish

2009-12-02T16:25:00.000-08:00

Being a parent is one of the hardest, most challenging, most rewarding jobs in the world. Poeple tell you how hard it is, how wonderful it is, how challenging it is but until you become a parent yourself you just don't know.
I am a single mom so I get to be mom and dad. I get to be the mean parent and the cool parent. I get to wipe the tears away and I get to see the smiles. Most days I love being a mother. And I say most days because there are those days that I feel so overwhelmed, so unappreciated that I ask myself why. But then I hear " I love you mommy" and I remember why. I hate when I have those days where I ask why, I hate hate hate them. I wish my mind didn't go there but it does.

I have good days where I feel like I'm a good mom. But then I have days like yesterday where I just didn't want to be a mom. I was actually looking forward to a day to myself, a day that I don't have to change a diaper or get up in the middle of the night, or go to some school function. I don't like feeling that way. I almost feel guilty. It's days like these that I think of her. I think of how she would give anything to change just one more diaper..she would give anything to get up in the middle of the night just one more time or have crayons sprowled out all over her kitchen floor....that's when I hate myself for being so selfish and wanting a day to myself.

Heavy

2009-11-21T11:09:00.000-08:00

Dating for me has been pretty easy. I'm not ugly..and I have a pretty awesome sense of humor. All in all I'm a pretty fun girl to be around therefore guys like me.

Never in my life has anyone said I was fat, at least not to my face. I've never really been fat. After my son was born I was back in my old jeans within 2 weeks. And after that I maintained 115 to 120 lbs. When my mother died I did drop down to a size 3..and unhealthy weight for me. But hello my mother died!! Then when I had my daughter 2 years ago, it took a little longer to get my pre-baby body back. She was sick and I was under a lot of stress and I turned to food. But again I wasn't fat..I still dated..still was able to get naked without feeling like a beached whale.

That is until now...for the past year for some reason I've gained some weight..I really don't know how much bc I refuse to get on a scale. I have been under more stress than normal and I've been really depressed. I'm working with my doctor to figure out why..but I've again turned to food for comfort. My last boyfriend never said anything about my weight gain..so I never really thought too much of it. Now I'm single and begining to date again my weight is NOW an issue.

Why is it an issue? Well someone I was considering dating said something about my weight. We met on here. So he had only seen pictures of me. ( I did send him real pictures of me btw) We met in person Thursday night and seemed to click. But I could tell somethng was off so the next day I asked. They say the truth hurts and my god yes it does. This person said....I was "heavier" than he had expected but he really likes me. WTF?? My first thought was wow..then I started crying. I guess I didn't realize how much weight I had gained unitl now. He wasn't trying to be as ass. He was being honest and for that I can't be upset at him. He still wants to hang out and possibly date. But I can't do that. If we did hang out again all I would be thinking is how fat I am and how he's not attracted to me. I wouldn't be able to eat in front of him. What kind of relationship is that? So I told him thanks for being honest but that I couldn't see him again.

I'm having a hard time eating today after his comment. I know I need to eat. But I feel guily for putting food in my mouth when I obviously need to lose weight.

Nine

2009-11-11T13:47:00.000-08:00

Kameron,

Today you are nine. NINE!! How can that be? It seems like just yesterday that I first looked into your big brown eyes just moments after you were born. And here you are nine years old already. Where did the time go? My sweet first-born child you made me a mother when I honestly had no idea what I was doing. It was with you that I dipped my toes into motherhood always testing the water unsure if I was harming you or helping. Your smiles help me stay afloat and your tears break my heart. I've enjoyed watching you grow throughout these last nine years. You keep me on my toes and you crack me up. I know we don't get to spend as much time together as we used to before your sister was born and for that I am so sorry. The time we do get I cherish with all my heart.

Kameron you are my pride and joy. I always knew I would have a son and I couldn't ask for a more awesome one than you! I am so proud of the young man you are becoming. You have such a big heart and that my son will take you far in life.

I am so proud to be your mommy and even though you are nine and slowly getting to that age where it isn't cool to hug your mom, you will always be my baby boy.

I love you to the moon and back!

Happy Birthday

Sweepstakes that will sweep me off my feet

2009-10-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

I just entered a contest through Nordstroms at a chance to attend the premier of NEW MOON! Now those of you that read my blog, know that I am in love with a vampire..so winning this contest would be like normal people winning the F'in lottery! (Yes I am that obsessed.)

If I do win this is what I get:

*Airfare for 2 (yep I get to take someone with me so you all better be nice to me) to LA
*2 tickets to the Nov.16th Premier of New Moon
*Hotel room for 2 nights
*Personal styling by bp Nordstroms at the Grove
and last but not least.....
*A red carpet view of the stars

Wish me luck peeps! The winner will be announced Nov. 5

You know you're obsessed with a vampire if..

2009-10-11T00:33:00.000-07:00

You see a hot guy and think to yourself "SPARKLE YOU FOOL..SPARKLE"

Seriously all normal guys have lost their charm since Edward Cullen made his apperance. I know my standards have gone WAY up since seeing Twilight and reading the books.

I have no problem admitting that yes I'm a mom and yes I am in love with a vampire.

Drunk Texting

2009-09-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

Everyone does it. And if you say you don't your a big fat liar. In the last month I have drank more than I have since I was 21. Life hasn't been easy, but then again it never has been easy for me. I've taken to the bottle to forget about things that make me depressed. I've drank away my problems..only to have them return the next day. I come to work hungover. Not fun.

I try not to drunk text or dial. It's not cool unless you're being funny and the people your texting don't mind getting texts that don't make sense. And normally that's the kind of drunk texting I do. However last night was not the case. I said some pretty mean shit to someone who means a lot to me. Therefore ending whatever it was we had. Friends or more than friends. I regret sending those few texts that now have changed my life. I use to see this person in my future. Now he's only in my past. I can't take back the things I've said, only say I'm sorry and move on.

Next time I drink I'm hiding my phone

People of Walmart

2009-09-26T11:45:00.001-07:00

Is that rainbow bright all grown up?

I have the same outfit, only in red.

How am I supposed to slap a ho without an essential part of my balanced breakfast?

I was wondering why you suddenly smelled better.

Is that a gangster leotard?

Every man has an NFL jersey AND pink short-shorts in their wardrobe, right?

Rawr

Umm… excuse me, sir…

Everyone loves the man in the yellow go-go boots!

There are no words for this...

Is that a soccer ball? A map of the solar system? The structure of a sub-atomic particle?

WTF?

I think I just sharted...

Let’s run through my rock star list…. Mullet? – check; big sunglasses? – check; heart shaped tattoo?
– u know I love my mom; Cut jean shorts? – are there any other type of shorts?; wife beater tied at
the midriff – check;….. He is an official ROCK STAR!

Gotta love Wal-mart!

Love drunk

2009-09-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

The top down in the summer sun

The day we met was like a hit an run

And I still taste it on my tongue

The sky was burning up like fireworks

You made me want you oh so bad it hurt

But in case you haven’t heard

I used to be love drunk

But now I’m hungover

I’ll love you forever

Forever is over

We used to kiss all night

Now it’s just a bar fight

So don’t call me crying

Say hello to goodbye

Cause Just one thing would make me say

I used to be love drunk

But now I’m hungover

Ill love you forever

But now it’s over

Hot sweat and blurry eyes

We’re spinning on a roller coaster ride

The world stuck in black and white

You drove me crazy every time we touched

But now I’m so broken that I can’t get up

Oh , you make me such a lush

I used to be love drunk

But now I’m hungover

I’ll love you forever

Forever is over

We used to kiss all night

Now its just a bar fight

So don’t call me crying

Say hello to goodbye

Cause Just one thing would make me say

I used to be love drunk

But now I’m hungover

Ill love you forever

But now it’s over

All the time I wasted on you

All the bullshit you put me through

Checking into rehab is everything that we had

Didn’t mean a thing to you

I used to be love drunk

But now I’m hungover

Ill love you forever

But now it’s over

I used to be love drunk

But now I’m hungover

I’ll love you foreverForever is over

We used to kiss all night

Now it’s just a bar fight

So don’t call me crying

Say hello to goodbye

Cause Just one thing would make me say

I used to be love drunk

But now I’m hungover

Ill love you forever

But now it’s over

Now it’s over

I still taste it on my tongue

Born in Heels

2009-09-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant with my daughter and in fact knew for sure that I was having a girl, I was exstatic! I couldn't wait to dress her up in pretty dresses and do her hair with big obnoxious bows. But then I started freakin out thinking she would be a tomboy and I would never get to be all girly with her. Boy do I have nothing to worry about. She is ALL girl. She loves her dresses, (a red one with white polka dots is her fav) She loves having her hair done. She has the most beautiful curly hair. Somedays though it's a pain to deal with and I'm sure when she's older she will hate it.

And she LOVES shoes! (She is so my daughter!) I think she might have more shoes than me. Last week her babysitter bought her some pink play high heels. They are way ugly and way too big for her but she loves them. She loves them so much she won't take them off, even when she's sleeping. I have to sneak in after she's sleeping and take them off.

I guess she was born to wear heels just like her mother

Exclusive 'New Moon' Trailer Premiere

2009-09-14T16:02:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought my little crush on a vampire was fading..I see this...
Exclusive 'New Moon' Trailer Premiere:

I am online right now getting midnight showing tickets as we speak.

Um can you say total brain fart

2009-08-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

For once I'm not going to write about my lust for a vampire...no today I'm going to write about something I heard on the radio this morning that just shocked the crap outta me!

The CEO of an animal rights group left her old blind/deaf dog in her car.... in the 91% heat and the poor dog ended up dying!

WTF?

Apparently her husband put the dog in her car before she left for work and she wasn't aware that he did it and I guess the dog didn't make a peep so she had no clue he was in her back seat. Ok now I have had some major brain farts..but how..could you not know!!?? I'm sure it was a total accident but still, its very ironic that a CEO of an ANIMAL RIGHTS organization kills her dog.

Its only hurts when I'm breathing

2009-08-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

Tommorrow will be the 7 year anniverary of my mother passing. 7 years...to me, it seems like only yesterday. It only seems like yesterday I got that phone call I was dreading, the phone call I was hopeing would never come..but did. My life, since then has never, nor will it ever be the same.

I miss her more and more everyday. There are things I've had to experience without her that no daughter should go through without their mother... like getting married( and later going through a divorce), going though a miscarriage, getting pregnant again only to have a very difficult pregnancy, and then giving birth to my daughter. My mother should have been there for all those moments. Should of been is the key phrase.

There are a lot more moments in my life that she should be here for but can't be. And to me that is so unfair

Vampire

2009-08-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

Up until about5 months ago if you would of mentioned the word "Vampire" I would of pictured this...
Or this....
Now if you say Vampire..one image comes to mind...

Edward Cullen has redefined Vampires.

Vampires use to be thought of as scary, pale faced ugly mofos.

Now you say "vampire" and people think " Oh yes Edward Cullen, I'd have sex with him"

I'd let him suck my blood..or anything else his mouth desired any day

Hit me like a ton of bricks

2009-08-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

Strong. People tell me all the time how strong I am. Just like my mother.

Lately I've been questioning my strength. How much can a person endure before they are no longer strong? If someone knows the answer to this please share.

These last two weeks have not been the worst weeks of my life, not even close. Watching my mother slowly die, those were the worst weeks of my life. And here I am, still standing, still breathing, still putting one foot in front of the other.

So why now do I feel like my world is falling apart. Why now do I feel like no matter what I do I will never ever be happy.

Why now do I feel like I've failed?

Why now do I feel that my mother would not be proud of the person I've become?

I don't know the answers to these questions, nor do I expect anyone else to know.

I've realized that now is the time to go see a professional for help.

It's time to find some peace in my life

One hot womanizer

2009-08-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

Today I picked up my book and thought it was time to start reading it again now that all the drama in my life has died down.

Twilight....yes peeps that is the book I am reading. I am actually back tracking a bit because I didn't read the book. I didn't think I needed to since I saw the movie. BUT everyone that I've talked too says I NEED to read the book. Since I've already read New Moon and a fraction of Eclipse, I'm now backtracking and reading Twilight. Anyhow the purpose of my post is...as I was reading, I was slipping into my own little dream world..wishing there were real Edward Cullens somewhere on this planet...because all the dudes I've met that are sensitive and in touch with their feelings are either gay or look like this.....Not like this...
No! Guys like this are womanizers. Hot womanizers. So until I find a dude that looks, acts, and talks like Edward Cullen( minus the whole blood sucking hobby) I'm staying single and drooling over one fuckin hot womanizer!

Single

2009-08-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

I'm on my 7th day of being single and I can't tell you enough how much it rocks. When I was a teenager, I dreamed of meeting the man of my dreams, getting married, and having children. Well that fairytail didn't happen and as I get older, the more I like being on my own.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I can come home and not worry about fighting, not worry about one of my guy friends texting me, not worry about saying something wrong and having world war 3 start.

I'm able to do my own thing, hang out with who I want, and the best thing is, I get to snuggle with my babies in my bed without someone bitching about it.

Single is my new best friend!

Livin outta a suitcase

2009-08-01T19:12:00.000-07:00

For the past 4 days now I have been living in a hotel. The first day was kinda cool..felt like I was on vacation. But then I stepped outside and realized shit..I'm not a vacation..I'm dealing with an ugly break up.

Dave and I have called it quits for good now. We both were not happy and it finally came to a head when he stole my phone and found a text msg from a friend of mine, who so happened to be a dude. Yah that went over like a fart in church. Anyhow I decided to leave because things just got way ugly.

I went home for a bit today to do laundry, pack some more clothes because I was tired of wearin the same clothes, and got my dog. So now Tay Tay( the worlds best dog ever!) and I are chillin in the hotel room.

Let me tell ya though..livin outta a suitcase sucks...

Future Blogger

2009-07-26T15:22:00.001-07:00

She looks so serious! LOL

Four letter word

2009-07-19T06:14:00.000-07:00

I'm going on a diet!

Yes I said DIET...a four letter word I don't dare say in my house. Now if you wanna drop the F bomb, that is OK..DIET however is not. After I had Addi, it took a little longer to get my before baby body back. Then I had a bad breakup and I started having an affair with two guys..One name BEN and the other named JERRY. Ben, Jerry, and myself had quite a good time and now I'm like 25 lbs heavier than I want to be. Thanks guys!
No wonder there are cows on the cover..that's how you look when your done eating their stuff!

I've done the trying to eat better, but when your bf brings home bags of candy and butt loads of soda it makes it difficult. How in the hell am I suppose to DIET with that shit right in my face. You're all thinking just don't eat it..well my friends I have zero willpower when it comes to food and in particular food with lots of sugar in it. I'm weak, I'll admit it. And if I try to bring home healthy food my bf looks at it like this...

So I thought I will go to plan B and take diet pills. Yeah that's not working so well well either because you have to actually remember to take the diet pills in order for them to even begin to work. I have 4 different types of diet pills, half full. No joke. I am a horrible pill taker, I'll admit it.

Last but not least I have tried or should I say attempted to try work out videos. There is no way I'm going to a gym with this gut..plus a gym is just a meat market anyway. You got these skinny bitches looking all sexy with loads of make up on, trying to pick up a date. Yeah that will make a girl feel real great about herself standing next to workout barbie. No thank you.

I have about 10 different workout videos. After I had Addi, I bought some striptease workout, thinking this will not only help me lose weight but I will learn some cool new moves for the dance floor. I did it for about a week and let me tell ya, I didn't feel sexy doing these moves. I felt like this Corky from "Life Goes On" trying out for the Stripper Special Olympics.

Could you seriously see this dude doing stripper moves?? Well close your eyes and picture it, that's what I looked like. Or at least that's what I felt like. My second set of workout videos were bought by a friend of mine who is a workout buff. They were only 10 minutes a piece and were suppose to be super easy to do. My friend told me to do them 3 times a week. Yeah they sat in the box unopened for about a month before I got a wild hair up my ass and finally opened one of them. They are now sitting in my TV stand collecting dust. It was NOT easy and I was not coordinated enough obviously to keep up with the skinny bitch in the video. Why can't they have fat people in these videos. I would feel a heck of a lot better about myself. Richard "I wear shortie shorts so you can see my pecker" Simmons has fat people in his videos. Anywho... I was up watching infomercials and saw Core Rhythms. I said hey these look fun. I must of been smoking crack that day because no part of working out is fun. But I bought them and when they came in the mail, I was all giddy like a school girl. I ripped em open, popped one in and did the first 15 mins and was like....I'm so done with this bullshit. Haven't touched them since. Hence why I'm still a fat ass.

So I'm off to do one of my workout videos and start day 1 of my diet..right after I finish my bowl of coco pebbles.....

Friends of Maddie

2009-07-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

If you look to the right of my blog you will see a button for "Friends of Maddie" Wondering who Maddie is? This is her. Beautiful isn't she. Wanna know her story? Go here http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/

Its a heartbreaking story. Everytime I think about this sweet angel, I cry. My heart breaks for her parents. I couldn't even begin to fathom what they are going through.

Mike and Heather Spohr are going through every parents worst nightmare. See Maddie passed away suddenly 3 months ago. Maddie was a NICU baby and overcame so many obstacles. So her passing was a shock to everyone who knew this amazing little girl. Now with Maddie gone, Heather and Mike have set up a website in Maddie's name to help parents of NICU babies. It's a great idea and a way to honor Maddie.

I'm not a parent of a NICU baby. I was fortunate to have two healthy babies. But my best friend knows all about what it's like to have a baby born premature. I have witnessed first hand what she went through and heard stories. I wish Friends of Maddie would of been around 7 years ago when she was going through it all by herself.

Please go check out this beautiful sight and donate to help these parents and babies.

http://friendsofmaddie.org/

Allergy Testing 101

2009-07-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

For all of you that have done allergy testing you know what I mean when I say its about as fun as a shot in your butt! My daughter had an apt with the Allergy and Asthma center to figure out why she gets so many damn ear infections. I was told that it was only a consultation so I'm thinking cool maybe a 30 min apt. Well miss bitch face at the front desk didn't send me out paperwork so I had fill out an ass load of it when I got there. Then of all days to forget the diaper bag, I do and Addi craps her pants. Now this girl can clear out a room in 10 seconds..no lie! Thank god this was one of her more milder craps. It didn't stink too bad but she kept announcing to anyone that would listen that she had a "poopie" Great. Finally the nurse called her name and off we went to wait another 10 min. The Dr comes in and after asking me a million questions, she decides that she wants allergy testing and a blood draw done.... Today! Never having allergy testing done to me or my son I had no clue what it entailed. The man nurse came in and explained what he was going to do. Apparently there are two ways to test

the 'Prick Test" with this lovely device:

or the "Blood Test"

Addisyn was having the prick test. Here is what the prick test includes for those of you who are curious: Skin prick test. This test is done by placing a drop of a solution containing a possible allergen on the skin, and a series of scratches or needle pricks allows the solution to enter the skin. If the skin develops a red, raised itchy area (called a wheal), it usually means that the person is allergic to that allergen. This is called a positive reaction.

Sounds fun huh?? Yeah not so much. This is what my daughters back looked like after they were done. ( This is not her back and they didn't do that many pricks)

After they poked her 7 times, we had to wait 15 min to see if she had a positive reaction. They also told me don't let her scratch it. Excuse me?? You just poked my kid with god knows what and you don't want her to scratch?? yeah right! It was good times, we played patty cake, read some books, anything to try to get her not to think about touching her back. The results?? Negative...which is a good thing but still it was a pain in the ass for her to go through.
That was yesterday. Today we had some more fun at the lab where she needed a blood draw. The lab assholes had to poke her (with a needle this time), twice. They couldn't find a vein. In the meantime she's screaming her head off, I'm getting sweaty and sick to my stomach just looking at the needle, trying not to barf. Finally what seemed like 2 hrs later, they got what they needed. Good thing because I was about ready to shove that needle in their eyes.

Viva Las Vegas

2009-07-12T15:24:00.000-07:00

(Dave and I took this trip in Feb...I'm just now getting around to blogging about it)

Dave and I at the Airport waiting to board the plane. We look pretty good for it being 6 am huh?

I will start with the plane ride: I freakin hate planes. I hate flying. Had it not been the butt crack of dawn I would of started drinking the moment I boarded the plane. But anyway I got on and almost immediately had a anxiety attack. Dave laughing at me the whole time of course. Ass. I wasn't calm until the fucking thing landed. I did get some good pics of the mountains in between trying not to hyperventilate...

Finally we got to Vegas 2 planes later(we had a layover in Utah)...I was just happy to be off that plane...and I needed a drink for sure.

Here is where I started being a camera whore...

Luxor-Where we SHOULD have stayed instead of the joke of a hotel we ended up at.

This is what happens when you leave me alone with the camera!

Night Life:

I even got to meet Jack Sparrow...he was kind enough to let me get my picture taken with him..then the asshole asked me for money. Loser

Even this wiener was to big for me to handle (Don't worry that wasn't even mine..Dave ordered that big boy for him!)
Souvenir's!
The closest I will ever get to the Eiffel Tower
My addiction: Roller Coasters..this one was freakin great..especially at night. Dave wouldn't let me go on it again. Big Sissy..I think he was scared

Goin home...
Taken from the plane...my camera has kick ass zoom

I took a lot more pictures and managed to get a video of me drunk and acting retarded. But too bad for you, its too big of a file to download on here.

No Regrets

2009-07-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

For the past few days I have been contemplating on what to write about. I'm not sure how many people actually read this thing but still it's important to me and I wanna write about something that might be interesting to others. So I thought about saying something on the 3 celebrities that have died in the past week in a half..but in all reality I'm not that affected by them. Yes it's sad but I was not a big fan of Michael Jackson. I was shocked yes but sad, not really. Farrah Faucett was very sad bc I know what its like to see someone suffer and eventually die from cancer. Billy Mayes always annoyed me so I was shocked when I heard about him dying but not sad. So that leaves me to what the hell do I talk about..

Well Ive been thinking a lot about my past. Something I know you're not really suppose to dwell on and really I'm not dwelling just thinking. And I think the reason my past has been on my mind is because I just got a wedding invite from an ex fiance' of mine. This got me thinking about marriage, ex boyfriends/fiance's, and where I am at today.

I've been engaged 3 times and married once. My first proposal was over the phone when my ex(the one who is getting married next month) was drunk and thousands of miles away in the Army. Romantic huh. I said no. My next proposal was my now ex-husband. We were both lying in bed and we were talking about our future and how much we loved each other...blah blah blah..( gosh if I only would of know then what I know now huh?) and we looked at each other and said "hey lets get married!" OK! Again romantic huh? We wanted to go to Vegas but thanks to lack of funds we couldn't do that. So we broke the news to our families, who automatically thought I was pregnant, which I wasn't, and started planning the shot gun wedding. My Ex-Husband is now in another relationship and having a baby. Good for him. My third proposal is one I wont talk about because it brings out the evil in me. Lets just say that dude is remarried to an 18 year old(he's 34) and miles away from me thank god.

Now that brings me to the present. I'm pretty happy where I'm at. I have 2 great kids and an awesome boyfriend who loves me. Yes sometimes I think what might of been had I said yes to my first proposal. This was a guy who my mother LOVED, so of course I was like oh no there must be something wrong with him. (Now remember I was 17 years old and didn't know a damn thing about relationships. Shit I still don't.) This was a guy who made my knees weak when he kissed me....here is where you go WHAT THE FUCK??? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY YES??? and sometimes I ask myself that same question. But everything happens for a reason and there is no looking back now with the "what ifs". He is now making some other girl weak in her knees and I'm happy for him, truly happy. He is a great guy and deserves all the best.

Through all of these relationships I've learned something about myself and it has made me the person I am today. I have no regrets. So to all my ex-fiance's I say thank you.

Do I remember?

2009-06-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

There are a million "free" people searches on the net. And when I say free, I mean you type whoevers name your searching for and you get a list of possible matches. But if you actually want to see if it's the person you are looking for, you need to pay up. I signed up for a "free" search about 8 months ago to see if I could find my long lost father. Of course I didn't have any luck and I was NOT going to pay $29.95 for a further search of the database. I never really thought about it after that but I get some ads from this site that goes straight to my spam folder in my email box. Well I noticed today that my spam folder was getting full. So I clicked on it and the first email I saw was "Hollie, Do you remember (fill in my EX HUSBANDS name!) Excuse me I think I just vomited in my mouth. Do I remember him? Well fuck yeah I remember him! I was fuckin married to him for almost two years! Two LONG years. Do I wanna remember him...not really! SO as of tonight I'm unsubscribing from that website so they don't send me anymore friendly reminders of my past.

Big foot has boobies!

2009-06-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

Last September for my birthday Dave and I went to the coast. I wanted to go to the wax museum because I had never been to one. It wasn't as cool as I thought it would be, but I did get to feel up Johnny Deep's balls..that was cool. Anyhow I was taking some pictures and took one of big foot. It wasn't until the next day I was uploading the pics to myspace and noticed that big foot has tits! I was like "OMG..Dave BIG FOOT HAS TITIES!"

He of course had to come look and sure as shit there were boobs on big foot! Don't believe me look for yourself....

He could use a bra though, they are a bit on the saggy side.

Big news

2009-06-22T20:15:00.001-07:00

Have you heard the big news yet?? NO the war is not coming to an end. NO they have not found a cure for cancer or Aids. NO we haven't ended world hunger...BUT....BUT....Are you ready for this shocking shit.....Jon and Kate from that TLC show Jon and Kate + 8...are getting a divorce. Holy shit, are you fuckin kiddin me? That's big news?? Wow what a fucked up world we live in!

First I don't understand why Jon and Kate are so special anyways. So they needed help having kids...wow...they are part of the hundreds of other couples that have that problem too. I personally think that having 8 kids would drive me f'in bonkers and I wouldn't want the cameras all up in my business. Hey thats just me... but if you flashed 75 grand an eposide in my face I just might change my mind. And they say money doesn't change people.....ha..yeah and bigfoot doesn't have boobs( I will get to the big foot boob thing a little later if you're sitting there with a WTF does that mean look on your face)

Reverse Mullet

2009-06-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

I would like to dedicate this post to Cassie

Until today I have never heard of a reverse mullet. A mullet yes, but not a reverse mullet. Mullets are great because there are many types...please read below....

We've got the she-mullet....very classy I must say, looks great with a beer stained t-shirt and ripped jean shorts

Then we've got the long mullet...oh my so pretty

Then we have the short mullett...very popular in the early 90's

AND last but not least we have the curly mullet..whether it's a natural curl or a perm...it's still ugly as hell and great to laugh at

So that leaves me to the title of my post..the reverse mullet...again I had no clue what this was so I googled it and this is what I found..

So much to my surprise, I realize OMG... I have a freakin reverse mullet! I just got my hair cut last week and this is the hair style I asked for(but had no clue what the offical name was) I didn't go as short in the back as "crazy bitch with a buttload of kids.".aka..Kate Gosselin. Mine is sorta a half reverse mullet.

A friend of mine who just happens to be a mullet fan herself, will be so jealous when I tell her the good news about my new hair do!

Jello..under the influence

2009-06-18T16:25:00.000-07:00

Jello shots, my new best friend. I hate the taste of alcohol. Hate it. I don't drink very much and when I do it's usually those fruity "bitch beers" that I drink. And even those are hard to get down. About a year ago a friend of mine introduced me to the jello shot. And I haven't looked at alcohol the same since. Some might look at them, as like I did, and think "wow those are really small there is no way in hell I'm getting drunk off one of those!" So like me, you take one shot, two shots, three shots, and your still not really feeling anything. So shit lets do a few more! Your on your 6th jello shot when the first one finally hits ya like a ton of bricks, and then my friend it is all downhill from there.

That was me last Saturday night. Now I should of known better, I've had Jello shots before. I know that even though they are small they can pack a punch. So when the cute little waitress came by with the tray...I should of known to only take a few and in a few I mean like one or two...but did I?? Sure I did! Then when she came around again 5 min later I took 3 more. Oh did I mention that I was also drinking some kind of fruity drink called skittles. So lets fast forward to the end of the night, after....lots of dancing..a few more jello shots (and some more madori sours/skittles/sex on the beach)... and well lets just say the toliet and I became very good friends!